Sunday, June 30, 2013

Acronyms Make My Head Hurt.

I hate taking showers. Now, don’t get me wrong. It’s not that I dislike being clean. But, for my mind the shower is a place to relive memories that hurt the most. Or, to play out the worst possible scenarios. I have flashbacks to moments around the time when I left my ex-husband. The moments with the kids. Things I was told that they said. I don’t regret leaving. But, they still hurt more today than they did back then. And, the flashbacks from losing Sarah. They literally take my breath away. I find myself sobbing curled up in the floor of the shower. Recently, I asked my husband to come back to check on me if I am in the shower too long. A friend posted this recently on Facebook. "I have a form of OCD called intrusive thinking. This means that thoughts or memories sometimes get stuck in my head and just replay over and over." I am beginning to think that I would possibly benefit from more help than I originally thought. I had another friend that commented that I had PTSD. Do I think that is right? I don't know. But, I am trying to cope with the memories and flashbacks over and over. I know that they will never go away fully. But, I do know that in time that the episodes will grow to be further apart. And, I am sure they will be just as vivid when I have them, now. 

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