Wednesday, June 26, 2013


I have not told a lot of people. But, there have been multiple occasions when I have considered taking my own life. It’s been a while. The same anxieties and such are there. But, I finally have enough self-worth to realize I would be missed and the world would indeed not be a better place for some people without me in it. I am the one that when people start going on about how selfish suicide is, has to explain that when you are at the point of seriously considering killing yourself, you genuinely and whole hearted believe your loved ones would be better off without you. If you have not been there, you will not understand. I never felt like I quite fit in anywhere. I was fairly well liked. To me it seemed more like I was tolerated. I had a few friends that I genuinely felt like wanted me around. I never found my groove. I have finally come to terms that my role in life may be that of unintentional jester. But, I never found a style or social group that I really fit in. I had something in common with most people. But, there were times that even made things worse.


This continued until I was an adult. A few years ago, I reconnected with a few old friends, including my now husband (we went to college together), David (an old friend that I dated on and off throughout high school) and my little brother, even. They are all nerds of some sort. They are all into sci-fi, comics, cult classic movies and such. They are also into art. When talking with them, I felt myself drawn closer to home. I had grown up watching Star Wars, Star Trek Next Gen and the Spiderman and X-Men cartoons. I had peeps of Doctor Who at a friend’s home. In college we listened to Dr. Demento A LOT.  It was really the movies V for Vendetta, Watchmen and 300 that hooked me in.  


I had, OK I still have a huge celebrity crush on Gerard Butler. I was a huge fan before 300 or PS I Love You. The honary grin, the eyes like the ocean, the Scottish brogue… Where was I again? Oh, yeah. I actually went to a movie in the theater for the first in a long time. The movie was based on a graphic novel. Well, Doug gave me his paperback copy of the movie adaption of V for Vendetta to read. Then, the graphic novel. Next the movie on DVD. Then finally, he handed me Watchmen. I think that was what finally set it’s hooks into me. I started making regular trips to the comic book store.


While Jerry and I dated and cohabited, he took the opportunity to help me find my nerd roots. I have always been a huge Batman fan. I am truly a Gotham Girl. Yes, I am planning on eventually getting a tat stating so. I sank my claws right in. I found titles I enjoyed and started my Catwoman collection. I began to revel in The shows that I eventually became obsessed with. Firefly, Dresden Files and such.

Then came the mad man in a blue box. I had seen bits and pieces of the 4th Doctor, Tom Baker, at my friends home and on the occasion PBS would show an episode. I knew the scarf well. And, I also knew that I would eventually watch more of the show. Not long after I had moved back to Abilene, I watched my first full episode of Doctor Who. The library episode. The first time the Doctor meets River. And, I found my doctor. If you ask any Whovian (a fan of the show) who their Doctor is, they will give you an enthusiastic  response. And, it will usually be the doctor from the first episode they watched in full.

The Whovians, gamers, table-top gamers, comic book enthusiasts, sci-fi fans, cosplayers and the rest of the gang are the least judgemental group of people you will ever meet. At first might think they are a little stuck up. But, you find in time that they are overcompensating for insecurities. But, if you ever get them on their favorite nerdy/geeky topic, you won't get them to stop talking. And, one of my favorite thing is that if you are willing to learn, they will teach you everything they know. And, you don't have to be in the group long before you become a teacher, too. Everyone has a place! Warrior, healer, mystic, shoe specialist, IT guy, fountain of knowledge.

When I went to my first comic book convention, it was the first time i truly felt at home at a social event. I was among my people. I can not explain the sense of freedom to be in a place where, or the first time ever, I was not worried about fitting in or annoying people! And, I have made several new friends, through my husband and some on my own that are enthusiasts like us! I finally feel like I have value. I am getting teary eyed typing about it.

So, remember next time you start to mock a nerd/geek, remember that they are proud of who they are and what they represent! Just like you should find pride in who you are. Even if we find it in a different place.


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