Friday, September 30, 2011

Two Weeks

It has been two weeks since my Baby Girl died. Part of me wants to say I lost her. But, that entails not knowing where she is. But, I know where she is. And, I understand why Peter Pan went to so  much trouble to get his shadow back. She was my shadow. Even when she was not actually with me, she was my shadow. She was part of me in ways I do not even begin to fathom. She was the me I wish I had been at her age. She was more brave than I was. And, far more daring. So comfortable in her own skin.

I wish that I could say that I am OK. Or, that I ever will be. I will never be the same. In many ways, this has brought out the best in me. I guess you could say I am numb. But, it feels more like drained. I am out of the bad emotions. The sense of her absence always hovers just under the surface. And, I do get upset. But, not as often. It is hard to hear people telling me how I will feel. It is like they are trying to set expectations for my mourning. But, I will mourn in my own way. And, in my own time.

I made a promise to Sarah a year, year and half ago. Most people do not know that in the six months before I left my now ex husband, and for a few after, I was at my lowest point. I was in what I refer to as my "dark place." This place is where I hurt myself. And, I had suicidal thoughts. There was one day that knowing that my children's soon arrival is all that stopped me. I decided that I couldn't live that way. And, things had to change. I know I am telling a lot here. Things most people would keep quiet. But, I know I am not the only one to have these thoughts or feelings. And, had Sarah's passing taken place even a year ago, I would already be medicated. And, if I haven't ruled it out. But, for now I am OK. Sarah had friends who were cutters. These are people who injure themselves due to all sorts of reasons. Usually depression, or anxiety. Feeling unworthy. Sarah had come to me asking what she could do. "Love them," is what I told her. I told her what I had done. And, that I had promised Jerry never to do it again. And, I made the same promise to her to not go back to the "dark place." It isn't even an option. Thanks to Jerry, and some wonderful friends, that I really do not understand how I deserve, I am at a much healthier place.

For now, I am sleeping as well as I did. Not as much. But, I slept more than I should have to start with. I am exhausted physically, as well as emotionally and mentally. And, I have lots of work to do on the house. Getting Jerry and I settled in together. I may even go ahead and put up fall decorations. I am afraid if I start avoiding holidays now, I might keep doing it. And, Sarah would be unhappy with me if I did. It is the funniest thing what gets me choked up. Seeing a poster that Sarah would have loved. Even last night, we went to get Red Diamond tea. When Sarah was not going to be at the house, we get the regular sweet tea. But, we made sure to have it with Splenda for bug. I don't have to worry about that now. I feel selfish in the fact that in some ways our lives will be more simple now. So many things we don't have to worry about, like that. And, she would want us to relish in that. But, I can not. Maybe one day. But, not now.

And, as petty and selfish as it is, I don't want to think about diabetes for a while. I do not want to read about another child dying from diabetes. I do not want to know what any one's sugars are. I have a few close friends who have children that are like family to me, Jon, Mary Hannah, Ethan, Lauren...But, other than that. I just do not want to know, for know. I need the time to celebrate my child. Not my child, Sarah the diabetic. But, Sarah, the spunky, vivacious, rock-n-roll, in-your-face, artistic, loving, compassionate, finally tactful, honest, warm, hilarious, spontaneous, intelligent, too big for real life young lady she was. There are fund raisers in her name are great. I have no problem with it.

But, for now, I want to remember my daughter for being all I wish I had been daring enough to strive for, even now. Maybe the road to Heaven is along the way to Neverland...second star to the right and straight on until morning. My lost girl.

Monday, September 26, 2011

A New Normal

Today was a day of firsts. Ty called me for the first time on a school morning, just to say good morning. (I felt horrible. I had fallen asleep on the couch. And, left my phone in the other room. So, I missed the call.) I went to work today. My first night with Jerry working nights. (He is standing over my shoulder trying to make sure if I shouldn't go up to work with him. I pointed out that I have a bed here. And, cable. Also, the large glass of Parrot Bay and Coke I am drinking. I will be doing good to stay awake long enough to post this on Facebook. I actually considered buying a Christmas ornament.

Work was good. I needed the distraction. I new my coworkers were watching me. Making sure I was OK. But, the day went well. Good even.

Ty was very sweet when I called him. I asked if he had called just to call, or for another reason. He was so polite about it. He just wanted to talk to me. So, from here out, my phone stays right beside me. The first voice I will hear is his precious one. He is growing up on me. Aging. getting taller. He is getting peach fuzz and his voice is getting a tad deeper. He is becoming a young man his sister would be proud of. Sure of who he is. But, gentle in temperament. He has handled this all so well. He has worried about everyone else. Some people might have thought it was odd that he spent the whole week with his dad. But, he was very worried about his step mom. And, wanted to be where he could take care of her. (She was the one who found Sarah Friday morning.) He is a people pleaser. But, he does not let anyone run him over, either. Saturday night, he slept with us. We had walked a lot that night. And, he used out shower. When he came out, he asked if he could lay down with us. He slept right by me all night. I really needed it.

Jerry "closes" three nights a week. This means he gets home anywhere from one am to 4 am. But, rest assured, thanks to the previously mentioned rum and coke, I will be in bed soon. And, sleeping. This has been the most time I have spent alone in the last week and a half. Mom took me to Hobby Lobby today. And, I had to take Martha home from work. But, I will be OK. If any more crying and gnashing of teeth occurs, I figure it is justified. I was screaming earlier. To the point I nearly lost my voice. I have cried so much that when do, there aren't any tears anymore. I am pretty well out of everything. My heart and mind ache. My brain and body aches. I am giving in tonight, and sleeping.

I have so many things to do in this house, painting, cleaning, organizing, packing stuff up, finding room for plants. It is frustrating me that it isn't all done. But, it is getting there.

We went to Hobby Lobby to look at frames for a painting Sarah did years ago. Mom wanted to frame it for her house. We went to the Christmas ornaments. I think that Christmas in some ways will be easier than Halloween. Halloween was out holiday. We started planning out costumes November 1st. But, this year, I just can't. I will take Ty trick or treating. But, I think that will be it. And., I figure we will serve food somewhere else for Thanksgiving. But, Christmas, we didn't have any traditions yet. Jerry and I lived together last Christmas. But, we had not had time to start any new traditions. Stephen had the kids last Christmas morning. And, since he and his new wife had their kids for alternating Christmas mornings, I volunteered to skip this year. I did decide we are going to do a peace sign Christmas trees. With purple, lime green, orange, bright pink and blues. It shall be groovy.

Well, I am rather tired and Vin Diesel is on TV with his shirt off. ; ) So, until later. Thanks for you ear. Good night all.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Well...the flowers have begun to die...

Be prepared for some random babbling.

Some of the cut flowers from the funeral have started to die. Maybe it is because it makes this all seem so much more real. But, it is agonizing. I have pulled all of the cut flowers from the large arrangements to fix smaller ones. Ones that don't look like they belong in a church or a funeral home.Or, maybe it was just something to do with my hands. I am not sure which.

I want to start writing a book about funerals. Customs, guidelines and such. For example, it is impolite to walk up to a man and say, "So, now there are two black men in Anson." Yes, someone actually said that to a friend of mine at the viewing. Also, when attending a viewing, do not bathe in cologne, make-up, or hairspray. DO take a bath. Usually you are in a small room that will be packed with people. And, it will get hot in there. And, the family will have a lot of people to hug. The smells and aromas, even from makeup, will eventually get to the people receiving all of the hugs. Oh! And, please do not chain smoke.

On the subject of food, keep in mind that most of the food at the house during the first week, especially when it is a spouse or child who has passed, will be eaten by guests. Consider bringing food the next week. And, easy on the fried chicken. Also, the most helpful thing people brought were new, disposable storage containers. That, and toilet paper. (OK, so the coconut rum and turtles were my favorites.)

And, thank you again to Dawn for the book. Tear Soup did wonders for me.

If you see me, and an ambulance approaches, be ready to catch me. I have heart palipitations anytime I see one now. And, go straight back to the emergency room. The flashbacks are coming more often. And, I am not doing well with them.

My newer friends probably aren't aware of my household situation. I have a son as well. The kids' primary residence is their father's house. They wanted to go school in Anson. When I divorced the kids, and to this day, I can't afford to live their. So, they stay at their dads. Sarah and I were closer than she and her father. Ty is closer to Stephen. It's normal. My husband, Jerry, doesn't have children of his own. So, I am having to face the fact that until and if we ever get the money, adoption will be my only option for more children. It is highly possible that I will not have a child living in my home on a regular basis. I was already having issues with the fact that my tubes are tied. I wanted to add children. Not, have one taken away. Also, Sarah was the only girl on either side of her family.

There are a lot of good things Sarah will miss out on. But, there are so many other things that she will not have to deal with. Neither will we. That is a blog for another day. But, knowing that I will not be lying awake at night worried about what could happen while she is in bed living on her own. it brings me a very small bit of peace.

Well, there is far more that I want to say. But, my eyes are tired. And, my heart. So, I think I shall take some nyquil and find my pillow. Or, at least curl up on the couch. Who knows, I might even put actual pajamas on. And, not sleep in the clothes I wore all day.

Monday, September 19, 2011

Long Lines

Wow...I have never felt so wrapped in love. Visitation was tonight. I do not recall ever seeing so many people in a funeral home. There were people I had not seen in years there. We have all been blessed to have such good friends. A friend reminded me today about the one set of footprints in the sand. I begged to differ with her. This time, I do believe there are a crowd of feet carrying us all. I believe God did indeed put some very special people in our lives to lift us on their shoulders and carry us through. Many relationships have been strengthened in the last few days.

I have run out of "projects." Since arrangements are all done, I don't have busy work. I think I am going to go bake now. Just what we need. More food.

Sunday, September 18, 2011

Sing...for sarah...

     It's official. I had my first crying fit in public. I received a message from one of Sarah's camp friends who recently lost a parent. I started to turm and tell Jerry I needed to tell Sarah about it.
     There are so many things I have wanted to write down. Like how awkward it is for people to approach us. This sucks. And, there isn't anything that is going to make it better. Time will ease the pain. But, it will never go away. Some people have called it being numb. But, it more too exhausted to process emotion. My body won't seem to let me think about her too much. I want to collapse on the inside for a while. But, I can't seem to. When I start, I nearly hyperventilate.
     She looks as well as we could have expected. And, in case you are coming to see her, there are sharpies to leave her a message on her coffin. We think it might help some of the kids with their grief. And, Sarah would love how it looks. Also, we decided to go with what Sarah would want, rather than what is expected. : ) The music will be hers. She would have wanted it that way.
     I was already having issues with wanting to have another child. Now, I lose one. I am planning on getting some counseling soon. I think I need it. It has already been arranged for the boys.
well, I need to look for a couple of more songs and some scripture.

    Yes, I should be sleeping. I will in a bit. At least I will try.

     I want to tell her goodnight, and hug her neck. But, I can't. So, if you have your child handy, hug them for me.

Sunday, September 11, 2011

Tear of Joys and Mourning

Several of us have posted about where we were and what we were doing 10 years ago today. Others have posted that today is about remembering the people that died that day. Today is about far more than that.

            Being the tenth anniversary, for some of us, marks the passing of time. There are several of us who had children that year. Y2K babies. For us, it marks the amount of time our child has been on this planet. Also, how our upbringing and experiences will be different than theirs. My generation had the Iranian hostage situation, the challenger and the assassination attempt on Ronald Reagan. We had the Oklahoma Federal Building bombing. But, even that is only a foggy memory. We do not have a childhood memory of a foreign country attack us on our soil. Ask the people who remember Pearl Harbor as a child, I am sure they had a far different view of the world that the rest of us. And, the passing of that time is also a simple reminder that ten years has gone by. For some of us, a lot happened in the last 10 years that did not have anything to do with 9-11. But, any kind of monumental anniversary causes us to think about the passing of time.

            And, for those of us who had or have loved ones who are firefighters and police officers, it is a time that we remember all of the officers who have fallen in the line of duty. If you could any of the men that died in uniform that day, they were doing their job. They didn’t have to be there. We should make a point to remember also the ones who died saving one person from a burning building. Their courage shouldn’t be diminished just because they died in one fire not another. Any rescue related public servant worth their salt would have been there would have if they could. Not saying we should not remember the ones that died. Rather saying while remembering, find one who is nearby, hug them and say thank you. Take some cookies to your local station. Make a quilt for a rescue victim. Take water to the station. Give them a smile. Do not complain when it takes a while for them to get there. (Especially if they are volunteer!)

            I could go on about why today is important. Just remember that we need to balance our mourning with joy. Remember the patriotism that blossomed after that day? Remember out grandparents pride in their country? Where is yours? Are you wearing it proudly? Are you smiling? Do you remember that you are blessed to live in a country where you could spend this morning in a church of your choice without prosecution? Or, not go? (Remember, our forefathers started this country for this freedom!) Have you committed any random acts of kindness? Have you hugged anyone? Have you made a point to enjoy your family? Have you said hello to a stranger? And, have you remembered the families of other travesties? Take time to be thankful!!!!!

Take joy in the fact that people DID make it out of the buildings. I remember my brother calling me, saying he saw a high school friend on the news walking down a sidewalk. Sometimes knowing one person is alive can make all of the difference in the world. I also have a friend whose father who walked in front of the federal building in Oklahoma City everyday at the time that the bomb there went off. He happened to take that day off.

Balance your tears with joy. Then, share that joy.

     I wanted to post this on Facebook. but, I know I probably ticked someone off somewhere, because they think I belittled or misssed someone. But, I just needed to get that off my chest. Thanks for listening.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

The Joys of a Strong Minded 14 Year Old (With Low Blood Sugars)

     Well, I had to let Sarah's father know that she has posted on her tumblr page using the "f-word" twice. She was ranting about how insane her first day of high school was. I normally monitor her page better. But, thanks to a friend, I checked hers last night to find the "bombs." I am keeping in mind that her sugars were hard to keep up that day. (When she is wound up emotionally, her sugars fall constistantly.)
     Will she live to see tommorow? Most likely. Will she be happy about it? Probably not.