Tuesday, March 25, 2014

The Day Has Finally Come

One of the things that I was looking to happen as time went on was that there would be moments when Sarah would slip my mind. When she would no longer be on my mind constantly.

I am finally there.

Don't get me wrong. I have not forgot her. She is always there. Always at the back of my mind. But, she has stepped back and let me move forward.

But, then every once in a while, out of the blue, it hits me out of the blue.

I had a baby that grew into a beautiful young lady. And, she is not here anymore. And, she is not coming back. I should be able to call her. I should be able to reach out to her. But, I can't.

Then, there are tears and panic attacks.

Afterwards, I compose myself and go on about my day.

A dear friend should be holding her baby right now. But, she is not because her baby did not make it full term.

My heart is hurting.

For her and for me. I hate that other people can understand what I am going through. It kills me to know that there are other people out there that have lost their babies, whether they be infant or adult.

At the same time, it is comforting to not be along. 

Tuesday, March 11, 2014

I Just Can't Shut Up

I talk a lot. Or, I don't talk at all. Generally, if I am in a group of people I know and like, I will talk non stop until I leave. Them spend the next two days wishing I had just kept my mouth shut. No one has ever said anything too ugly about it. At least not to my face, or to someone that would tell me. If anything has been said, it was with a genuine smile and in a very good nature.

When I don't talk, I am probably regretting all of the talking from a few days before. Or, something is really bothering me. And, it usually stems from my self-deprecating attitude. 

I had a friend comment that they were surprised that I am terrified that people really see me like I see myself. Lazy, all talk, fat, dumb, selfish, self-centered and unworthy. I am working on getting past it.
(Fair warning, to those that know me, if I ever get past it, I will probably just talk even more.)

Some people see those of us that have self esteem issues as "fishing for compliments." Sometimes it's accurate. More than often not. Just knowing your enough is all we strive for. But, somehow we just don't see it.

So, on behalf of all of us overly talkative, yet terribly anxious types out there. Be kind. Just smile and nod. We know we can come across as a bit anxious and obnoxious. But, we are working on it.

Friday, March 7, 2014

No Catching Fire in This House

This must be “writing about movies week” at Das Whetsel Haus.
Today, it’s why I will not be watching or reading Catching Fire. I can hear you out there stuttering over your, “Buh-buhhhhhhtttts.”
It’s not going to happen. Simple as that. I read and watch the first book. I enjoyed them. But I cannot finish the series. There are three reasons.
1.       This is one of Sarah’s favorite book series. She read it ravenously. She had a list of books that she wanted me to share with me. We tended to enjoy the same books. She read The Vampire Diaries before any of her friends because I gave her my copies from the 90’s to read.  I don’t like the idea of finishing things that we were going to do together. I am not ready for that finality. I know she is gone and she is not coming back. But, it does not mean that I want to shut that door behind me. There was a classmate that had passed away a good while back, now. My mother ran into her after we lost Sarah. She told my mom that he had a credit card bill that she was still paying on. She would only pay the minimum on it. The idea of that bill with his name on it being gone terrified her. I completely understand.

2.       Sarah was VERY excited that there was going to be a movie. She was also very excited about Jennifer being cast in the lead role. I spent the entire first movie wondering what Sarah would have liked or not.  It was very exhausting.

3.       During a conversation about the book, (I had not read it yet. I didn’t read until after she died.) she told me that until recently, I had reminded her of Katniss’s mother. But, she was proud that I had got myself together. And, she said I would understand when I read the book. I sobbed when I read the passage of the book where she describes her mother. Or, the shell of a person that her mother was. It was dead on the money. I have finally come to forgive myself for being that mother for a time. But, it still stings.
So, no, I will not be watching Ms. Everdeen in her latest adventures. But, I am sure they will great and she will be bold.

Enjoy it for me.

Thursday, March 6, 2014

20 Things I Learned From, and Because of, Annie

When I was in third grade, a terrible and wonderful thing happened to me. The movie Annie came into theaters. Some of you may be thinking to yourself, “And?” This will help. This is a picture of me from third grade. Yep, I had Annie hair. No, my hair wasn’t red. But my brother’s was. I loved the movie. But, I faced a lot of ridicule for having Annie hair. It didn’t help that I went around singing. Like ALL the time.
So, when I found out there was a new version coming out, I got very excited. I still am. I take a very Shakespearean view of movies and plays. No, not Elizabethan, Shakespearean.  That means a production is done set in the present time period and style. So, the idea of a modern version is very appealing. No, I am not thrilled with Cameron Diaz as Ms. Hannigan. Fergie or someone else that comes across more street savvy might have been a better choice. But, I digress.
I learned a lot from Annie. It was the first musical that I sunk my teeth into. I can still sing nearly every word. And, I still sit on the edge of my seat while she his hanging by the tips of her fingers until Punjab rescues her. I cry when she sings “Maybe.” I cry when he sings “Maybe.” I cry through the entire finale, until Carol Burnett rides in on the elephant.  Anyway, here are some of the things I learned.
1.       Children are cruel. Even the most well-meaning ones. I had the shorts, curly Annie hairstyle before the movie came out. It was the one I always had. Kids had always laughed at my hair. But, after the movie, it was worse. I hated my hair as a child. A lot of kids laughed because it was coincidence. They weren’t really making fun of me. But, somehow, I took it as mean. It helped me to develop a thicker skin. At least until I was an adult.

2.       It is perfectly acceptable to break out in song at any time. Yes. I still sing a lot. Not well, but, I sing. It makes me very happy. I occasionally break into “Sandy” when my dog walks in the room. If I had realized what he would end up looking like, that’s what I would have named him.

3.       A dog can make a huge difference in your life. (OK, so this is something I SHOULD have learned.)

4.       It’s OK to be a tomboy in a dress. Annie did it with grace and ease.

5.       You can win people over with a smile and a strut.

6.       Sometimes, the love of your life is right under your eyes. You just have to have some help to open them. Just ask Daddy Warbucks.

7.       Sometimes, you have to be VERY patient waiting for the love of your life to open their eyes, even though you are standing right in from of them. Ask Grace.

8.       Anything Tim Curry, Carol Burnett or Bernadette Peters are in will be a pleasure to watch. (Except for It. We just don’t acknowledge It.)

9.       Curly haired girls look great in red.

10.   That love doesn’t just come from blood. You chose your family.

11.   Never climb a ladder when followed by a bad guy.

12.   There is always going to be a grump (Pepper) and a baby (Molly) in every group.

13.   Singing and dancing always makes cleaning more fun.

14.   Life with a bunch of girls will drive you to drinking.

15.   There is very little in this world that is more important that feeling wanted. Be it by family, friends or in romance.

16.   Having your own indoor pool is the coolest thing EVER.

17.   A party is not a party without elephants.

18.   Having a sparkling, kick-ass personality is ok. This includes throwing a few punches on occasion.

19.   The sun’ll come out tomorrow. Seriously. Sometimes, you just have to hold on until the day passes.

      20. But, the BIGGEST thing I learned was to overcome my fears. For the talent show that year, I         went on stage with Shanna Phillips and sang “Tomorrow” in front of my schoolmates and their parents. I even wore the dress my mother made me from an Annie pattern. I was really proud of myself. Actually, it was one of my proudest moments.
So, if you haven’t watched Annie in a while, especially if you have kids. Do so. Now. I mean it. Get to it!

Monday, March 3, 2014

The Father In Law I Never Met

So, Kelly over at DeBie Hive posted about seeing her father today. Well, a man that strongly reminded her of him. Reading it reminded me of a man I never met. My father in law passed away just before Jerry turned four. His only vivid memory of his dad was when he died. But, as I spend more time with Jerry, the more I get to know his father.

There are certain qualities and tendencies he gets from his mother. But, there are moments when I know his dad is slipping out. His dad must have been a flirt. I also know that he was warm and charming. This I have heard from his aunts. His mother talks about things he did. But, not about him. The pain of losing him is still fresh after nearly forty years.

There are certain smiles and the way that he holds me that you can not teach. They only come naturally. He looks more like his father every day. I love that he has carried on his father's legacy of being a compassionate gentleman.