Friday, September 30, 2011

Two Weeks

It has been two weeks since my Baby Girl died. Part of me wants to say I lost her. But, that entails not knowing where she is. But, I know where she is. And, I understand why Peter Pan went to so  much trouble to get his shadow back. She was my shadow. Even when she was not actually with me, she was my shadow. She was part of me in ways I do not even begin to fathom. She was the me I wish I had been at her age. She was more brave than I was. And, far more daring. So comfortable in her own skin.

I wish that I could say that I am OK. Or, that I ever will be. I will never be the same. In many ways, this has brought out the best in me. I guess you could say I am numb. But, it feels more like drained. I am out of the bad emotions. The sense of her absence always hovers just under the surface. And, I do get upset. But, not as often. It is hard to hear people telling me how I will feel. It is like they are trying to set expectations for my mourning. But, I will mourn in my own way. And, in my own time.

I made a promise to Sarah a year, year and half ago. Most people do not know that in the six months before I left my now ex husband, and for a few after, I was at my lowest point. I was in what I refer to as my "dark place." This place is where I hurt myself. And, I had suicidal thoughts. There was one day that knowing that my children's soon arrival is all that stopped me. I decided that I couldn't live that way. And, things had to change. I know I am telling a lot here. Things most people would keep quiet. But, I know I am not the only one to have these thoughts or feelings. And, had Sarah's passing taken place even a year ago, I would already be medicated. And, if I haven't ruled it out. But, for now I am OK. Sarah had friends who were cutters. These are people who injure themselves due to all sorts of reasons. Usually depression, or anxiety. Feeling unworthy. Sarah had come to me asking what she could do. "Love them," is what I told her. I told her what I had done. And, that I had promised Jerry never to do it again. And, I made the same promise to her to not go back to the "dark place." It isn't even an option. Thanks to Jerry, and some wonderful friends, that I really do not understand how I deserve, I am at a much healthier place.

For now, I am sleeping as well as I did. Not as much. But, I slept more than I should have to start with. I am exhausted physically, as well as emotionally and mentally. And, I have lots of work to do on the house. Getting Jerry and I settled in together. I may even go ahead and put up fall decorations. I am afraid if I start avoiding holidays now, I might keep doing it. And, Sarah would be unhappy with me if I did. It is the funniest thing what gets me choked up. Seeing a poster that Sarah would have loved. Even last night, we went to get Red Diamond tea. When Sarah was not going to be at the house, we get the regular sweet tea. But, we made sure to have it with Splenda for bug. I don't have to worry about that now. I feel selfish in the fact that in some ways our lives will be more simple now. So many things we don't have to worry about, like that. And, she would want us to relish in that. But, I can not. Maybe one day. But, not now.

And, as petty and selfish as it is, I don't want to think about diabetes for a while. I do not want to read about another child dying from diabetes. I do not want to know what any one's sugars are. I have a few close friends who have children that are like family to me, Jon, Mary Hannah, Ethan, Lauren...But, other than that. I just do not want to know, for know. I need the time to celebrate my child. Not my child, Sarah the diabetic. But, Sarah, the spunky, vivacious, rock-n-roll, in-your-face, artistic, loving, compassionate, finally tactful, honest, warm, hilarious, spontaneous, intelligent, too big for real life young lady she was. There are fund raisers in her name are great. I have no problem with it.

But, for now, I want to remember my daughter for being all I wish I had been daring enough to strive for, even now. Maybe the road to Heaven is along the way to Neverland...second star to the right and straight on until morning. My lost girl.

No comments: