Wait... Do I Know You?

I realize and hope that all of my readers do not actual know me in the sense that we have never met. We could have shot dirty looks at each other across a restaurant, liked the same George Takei post, even read the same blogs or have friends in common. So, I figure I should take a moment to let you get to know me. And, who knows. Maybe I will get to let me know myself better in the process.

I am not going to give you the entire, “I remember a brilliant white light as the fluid in my body was purged through my lips” shpill. Maybe one day. But, today we’ll just go back a few years. I had just moved back to my hometown. I had left my now ex-husband. I refuse to bash the man. Some people don’t get or understand that. That is their baggage, not mine. I am just going to leave it with he makes a great ex-husband and leave it at that. I was dating an old college friend. I had two children. They were 10 and 13 at the time.  Sarah completely understood why I left. Her little brother, not so much. We were living at my parent’s house. My brother was there, too. I say we. But, the kids wanted to stay in their home town. And, I had free room and board at the house in mine. So, I have dad weekends.

I eventually moved in with Jerry. I was trying to put it off. But, he had a three bedroom house all to himself. And, the kids each got a room.  I should back up just a bit. I also lost my job. Well, I was fired. They kept me longer than I would have. So in the meantime, around the time I moved, I started working for the Census Bureau and at Radio Shack. I couldn’t do both. And, I did not have an aggressive enough personality for the census job. I nearly had panic attacks.

Along the way, I garnered a great group of friends. I am still learning how to be a friend. I had them until I got married. Once married, I just wasn’t much of a friend to anyone. And, other people could sense I was losing myself.  Many of these people told me they were glad to have me back after the divorce. I had not realized how much I changed. I am glad to have them and all of my new friends, too.

January 6, 2011 Jerry finally proposed. I hope it was because he really wanted to marry me and not the death threats from friends if he didn’t. The kids had grown to adore Jerry. My son, too. Jerry’s mom and I hit it off well. She sobbed when we told her that we were getting married on what would have been her and Jerry’s father’s 40^th anniversary. My parent’s 41^st was the day after. It only seemed appropriate. Jerry’s dad passed away right before he turned 4. And, he shares a birthday with his dad.

The kid’s dad got married in February. We got married in June. I had picked up a second job working at a café that was opened form 11-2, Monday through Friday. Working both jobs was exhausting. But, it kept me busy.

 

The Whetsel Wedding took place on June 22. There were friends and family, pouring rain, a tornado, and electrical outage and a friend locking her keys in the car that was already loaded down with stuff from the wedding. But, we were happy and married. Our family was official. The kids were glad to be able to call Jerry their “real” step-dad. Both kids were about to start new schools. They were starting middle and high school. Things were going well. They were some rough spots we got through them as a family. I had quit the job at Radio Shack. I did not want to miss all of the time I would miss with the kids. It was one of the best things I had ever done in hindsight.  It was our last summer with Sarah.

Thursday night, Sarah and I were texting back and forth. Jerry was at work. (He worked ridiculous hours back then.) And, Sarah’s dad was in Albuquerque. His dad had heart surgery at the VA hospital and would be heading in the next morning. I was watching Vampire Diaries. She was at her step-brother’s first football game. She was so proud. She was fourteen. She had learned most of the rules of football. Well, at least enough to keep up with the game. She had picked a college team (UT) and a NFL team (The Ravens, they were the favorites of one of her favorite bands). We message the entire game. Her telling me about the game. Me telling her about the show. We were very excited because The Secret Circle was coming on next. I had convinced her to read both the Vampire Diaries and the Secret Circle a year or so before. (Before it was “cool.” I had the paperbacks from when they first came out during my college days.)And, TSC was premiering the first episode. I agreed not to tell her about it. I would wait until she saw it. They had the DVD player set. The watched Diaries but, waited on the other. It was already a late night and she had school the next day. She never got to see it.

 

We got a frantic phone call from her step-mom. She was sobbing, she mentioned CPR and the ambulance was there. I told her we were on the way. It was 6:15 or so. And, of course, we had to stop for gas before the half hour trip to the hospital. Jerry dropped me off that door so that I could go on in. The ambulance was at the door already for the next run. Everyone was standing around the room. Very solemn. Several people I knew as members and member’s spouses from the fire department were there. They had heard the page. They had seen my kids grow up. Their father was voted into the department a few days before Ty was born. One of them said, “This is the mother.” I sat down wide-eyed thinking what the hell?! That was when I noticed the doctor and nurse standing there and I hear the words you never want to hear. “We tried everything we can.” The rest of the day comes in bits and pieces. You know those primal screams of anguish that cavemen do in the movies? Imagine one of them on crack with PMS. I was screaming worse. I scared Ty so bad he ran out of the room. Their step mother did the same. My friends came out of the wood work and we were bathed in love and prayer.

 

We had joked about recording the funeral because it wouldn’t be “standard.” Sarah lived in a small town with a big city mind. We wanted it to be about her. So we played the songs SHE would want and a couple that we sang in the car. I am sure it was the first time My Chemical Romance was played during a funeral in a small West Texas town. She packed the local high school auditorium. There were at least 500 people there. The freshman class sat behind is. Each bringing her a rose. The last time I saw her face, she was surrounded by red roses. It was beautiful.

 

When it came time to head to the cemetery, I froze. I begged Jerry not to make me go. I didn’t want to get in the truck. He finally coaxed me in. I have always believed in the power of prayer. But, after that day, I can tell you I have FELT the power of prayer. We actually made it through the day without too many tears and there were a lot of smiles and laughter. We could feel the serenity and peace flow over us.

 

Since then, I have changed jobs twice, acquired more pets, got involved in local theater and questioned my sanity. We are learning how to help our son who has been diagnosed with ADHD. Even he asked for helped. And, when I say “our” son, I mean Ty’s Dad, Step-mom, Step-Dad and Me. He is a loved child. We get through one day at a time. But, the important thing is that we are still going. And, we are making him a priority and not letting him feel like grieving his sister is more important than loving him. I try not to focus on her lost. But, this blog is part of my grieving process. It comes up a lot. So, on a closing note, I am going to post the song by My Chemical Romance that we played at her funeral. The album version. We played a more orchestral one the band did for the recovery relief after the earthquakes and tsunami in Japan.

 

Sing it out

Boy, you've got to see what tomorrow brings

Sing it out Girl, you've got to be what tomorrow needs

for every time that

They want to count you out

Use your voice every single time

You open up your mouth
Sing it for the boys, sing it for the girls

Every time that you lose it, sing it for the world

Sing it from the heart, sing it 'til you're nuts

Sing it out for the ones that'll hate your guts
Sing it for the deaf, sing it for the blind

Sing about everyone that you left behind

Sing it for the world, sing it for the world
Sing it out

Boy, they're gonna sell what tomorrow means

Sing it out

Girl, before they kill what tomorrow brings
You've got to make a choice

If the music drowns you out

And raise your voice every single time

They try and shut your mouth
Sing it for the boys, sing it for the girls

Every time that you lose it, sing it for the world

Sing it from the heart, sing it 'til you're nuts

Sing it out for the ones that'll hate your guts
Sing it for the deaf, sing it for the blind

Sing about everyone that you left behind

Sing it for the world, sing it for the world
Cleaned up, corporation progress

Dying in the process

Children that can talk about it
Living on the railways

People moving sideways

 

Sell it 'til your last days

Buy yourself the motivation
Generation nothing

Nothing but a dead scene

Product of a white dream

I am not the singer that you wanted but a dancer
I refuse to answer

Talk about the past and rooting for the ones

Who want to get away

Keep running
Sing it for the boys, sing it for the girls

Every time that you lose it, sing it for the world

Sing it from the heart, sing it 'til you're nuts

Sing it out for the ones that'll hate your guts
Sing it for the deaf, sing it for the blind

Sing about everyone that you left behind

Sing it for the world, sing it for the world
We've got to see what tomorrow brings

Sing it for the world, sing it for the world

Yeah, you got to be what tomorrow needs

Sing it for the world, sing it for the world