Tuesday, July 9, 2013

It There a Vaccine Against the Baby Bug?

     So, I am assuming that most people that are reading this are aware that I have two children. A thirteen year old son and a daughter that passed away when she was fourteen. My husband never had children of his own. He loves mine like his own. But, it's still not the same. Also, my husband lost his dad just before he turned four. He has one vivid memory of his dad. The memory is his story to tell. He missed out out on all of the memories from both the side of the child and parent. To say I had a baby bug was putting it lightly. And, losing Sarah made it worse.

     I finally realized some of the reasons that I had so much trouble dealing with it. With my own kids, I very seldom did things the way I wanted to. I wish I had nursed them both longer. There were a lot of other things, too. Having a child is one thing in life that I could do over and do it my way. Well, our way. So far, whenever the subject of caring for a baby comes up, my husband and I are in complete agreement. Slings, cloth diapers, nursing. Plus we would make adorable children. Adorable, nerdy, artsy-fartsy babies. OK, so without our luck, we would have Cowboy football obsessed non-nerd. Also, my husband has a genetic issue that we do not want to risk passing on to a child.

     I have also come to the realization that I am a much more together person when I am being "Mom." I actually get up and do things. I wash dishes. I do laundry. I even, dare I say COOK! I am happier. I am a better wife. I sleep better. I feel like I am here for a reason. Yes, I am still Mom when my son is with his father, which is a majority of the time. But, I think part of the reason I do not stay in that mode when he is not here is that is that is a reminder he isn't here. I do not make him clean his room. It feels more like he is here when it is a mess.

     Finally, I come to terms with the fact that unless God has a grand plan for us to grow our family, there will not be more children until we are blessed with grandchildren. I still want them. But, I am OK with knowing it will not happen. Besides, we have a dog in the house and we do not know how will with do with children.

   Then comes the call. Can you babysit for us? Do not get me wrong. I would never turn down a chance to keep this baby. I was thinking to myself, "This should break me from my bug!" I would get a reminder of how exhausting it was. It would remind me I am too old for this! But, no. She is the easiest baby EVER. The dog loves her. She can pull his fur and tug. All he does is cuddle up to her and smile. And, I had never seen my husband with a baby. He is a natural. He is gentle, animate, attentive and patient. They loved each other. I have video.

     Alas, the bug is back. It will go away, again. But, it still sucks. He would be such a good daddy. And, it is a shame that he never got to hear, "It's a boy! It's a girl!" He has missed out on toys together on Christmas Eve. And, people have told us, "You can always adopt." You have to be in a situation where we can. Hopefully we will be before too long. But, we I am not getting my hopes up. I am just going to keep borrowing other people's children. But, maybe one day.

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