Only one... So far...

I had my first meltdown of the holiday. Sarah was born 2 weeks before Christmas. And, we had the honor of her being Baby Jesus in the Christmas pageant. You can ask most mothers who have delivered a baby near the holiday, and they will tell you that they feel a certain connection to Mary. And, every time I hear people talk about Christ as an infant I see Sarah in the manger. Ty was excited to get to follow after her sister in playing Jesus. So, I tried to not cry as the congregation sang "Away in a Manger." I almost always sing at the top of my lungs. But, I fought back tears most of the song. I couldn't even form the words with my mouth. Luckily, Jerry had come to help with the program. And, he followed me back to get Ty situated after the program. We managed to get around to the back out of site to cry. Jerry held me while I got it out of my system.


Song of Praise: The Magnificat


46 And Mary said,


“My soul magnifies the Lord,

47 and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior,

48 for he has looked on the humble estate of his servant.

For behold, from now on all generations will call me blessed;

49 for he who is mighty has done great things for me,

and holy is his name.

50 And his mercy is for those who fear him

from generation to generation.

51 He has shown strength with his arm;

he has scattered the proud in the thoughts of their hearts;

52 he has brought down the mighty from their thrones

and exalted those of humble estate;

53 he has filled the hungry with good things,

and the rich he has sent away empty.

54 He has helped his servant Israel,

in remembrance of his mercy,

55 as he spoke to our fathers,

to Abraham and to his offspring forever.”

16 Candles That Will Not Be Blown Out

     Tomorrow is a day that I have dreamed of for a very long time. I would take the day off from work. So, would Sarah's dad. And, we would take her to the DMV to get her driver's license. We would be planning a huge party. And, we would be buying car stuff for an old pick-up that I am sure she would have given a name to fit the personality of the truck.
     Instead, we will get up and go to work. We will try to keep from melting down completely. We will try to distract ourselves with things to keep us busy. My father will be coming home from the hospital, hopefully.
     I still remember vividly what I was doing sixteen years ago. Stephen and I were at Walmart picking up a few things for the hospital stay. And, trying to keep ourselves distracted then, too. But, we were nervous and anxious to meet our little girl. Little did we know that she would make such an impact soon so many lives. Or, that we would lose her so soon.

I still had a month left to go.

I think she was a day old in this one.

     So, tomorrow, I will not be OK. I will be mourning the absence of a celebration. I will also be mourning the loss of Baby Sebastian. He is the 6 month old son of a young man that is very dear to us. He was in a car accident involving a semi and he didn't make it. Please keep his family in your prayers. And, the friends he and I have in common. We understand that it is hard for them, too. And, it feels like you are stealing some of the happiness from their families. There is more guilt from things like that for me than anything else. But, your prayers help shield off some of the pain and anxiety. Well, I am going to try to go distract myself again. Good night. And, hold your children close.

Eeeekk!!!

Sarah wanted a tattoo of an anchor when she turned 18. She had been thinking about it for months.

Since she couldn't get one, I did. Yes, it is very large. I love it.

The detail work is stunning. If you want a tattoo done in Abilene, go see Richard at Sacred Art.

Gathering Tulle

This is a really quick post on a method for gathering tulle. I didn't do a pretty job. But, it should get the point across.

You will need tulle, pins, floss or very narrow ribbon  and thread, one color that matches the tulle and one that doesn't.

Pin your layers together.

 Set your stitch length at it's longest, width at it's widest and on zigzag.

Thread the machine with the thread that doesn't match. It is a lot easier to take out later, that way. Decide where you want to gather at. Place the floss or ribbon in the middle of your foot. Now, zig zag stitcch over the floss/ribbon.

 Now, you have a "casing." You can gather the along the floss.

 When you get the gathers like you want, rethread the machine in your matching thread and top stitch over the gathers!!!

Sigh... Time for change...

     This has been a long week. I got a new job. I start on Monday as a receptionist. It looks to be the least stressful job I have every had. And, the benefits are awesome. I hate leaving the people I work with, and a lot of the customers. But, this is a change I need. Well, we need. I had a call for another interview for another job this week, too. It's nice to feel wanted. And, I get to dress for work.This should help with my self-esteem. 

     There is a long list of things to pray for. My father will be going in for surgery, soon. They are going to be removing a significant portion of his colon. We went in for a colonoscopy on Wednesday. He has a couple of polyps that are precancerous. They are in the very early stages, so they are very optimistic. But, it is still my Daddy getting cut on. Yeah, I'm a little worried. Not terrified. Just worried. Please keep him in his prayers. They told him to be prepared to be off work for 8 weeks. And, they are scheduling surgery as soon as possible. But, at least he will have his first Black Friday off in well over 10 years.

     Also, there are some prayers that need to remain unspoken for privacy issues. On a high note, I get a new tattoo tomorrow!!! Well, I am outta here!! Good night all.

Prayer List or Gossip List

     I have been included in 2 prayer groups on Facebook. And, with all of the drama in the world, my feed is slammed with prayer requests. I was contemplating maybe posting a prayer list on the fridge next to the grocery list. I was struck by a thought. In our world of who you know and what you know, do we use our prayer lists as a device of gossip? Or, do we use it as a gift to truly lift our friends, loved one, strangers and the hardest of all, our enemies in prayer? Can we say we genuinely want the best for them. Or, do we want to be able to say "I prayed for you." Or, " You should see MY prayer list." I am not saying that the groups are bad. They are a great tool as long as they are being used to raise people in prayer, and not as a way to gossip.
     I am not saying that we should not share our prayer lists. But, just remember, the devil is in the details. He doesn't want our prayer to be heartfelt and sincere. We need to pray with purpose. Pouring our heart out for him. He will listen. He is often there, whether we like it or not. That is the hard part. You know, it is often easier to tell a friend about and indiscretion than God. God already knows.
     And, take a moment to look up scripture on prayer. Take note of the amount of reference to praise in comparison to scripture about asking for intervention. So, perhaps, when making our prayer lists, we should make two columns. One column for Praises, one for Needs. And, make sure that you have two praises for every request. It really is not hard to do. This idea reminds me about the Valentine gift I made for Jerry this year. Take a deck of playing cards and write one thing you love about your husband/wife on each card. It can be something as broad as that "you keep the house clean" (Jerry would not have that one. But, I am working on it.) to something as small as "the way your hair curls behind your ear."
     And, one last note, and this is going to tick some people off. We need to pray for the future of our country. That does not mean simply praying that your candidate wins. Yes, you should pray that if it genuinely lies on your heart. But, we need to pray for all of the candidates. Yes, all of them. ONE of them will be our president. It may not be your choice. And, there are other elections. And, we should be praying for the families of the candidates. Could you imagine what they go through hearing people bad mouthing their loved ones? We are supposed to loves our enemies. That means praying for them.
     I know I have friends who don't believe in God. And, don't believe in prayer. I do, strongly. I always have. But, after sitting at my daughter's funeral with a smile on my face because I could feel us being bathed in prayer, yeah, I am more of a believer than ever.
     OK. I am getting off of my soap box now.

James 5:13-14 Is anyone among you suffering? Let him pray. Is anyone cheerful? Let him sing praise. Is anyone among you sick? Let him call for the elders of the church, and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord.

Beginning to Function...

     I am beginning to function again. I am starting to come out of a year long fog. Yes, I have had all right to have been in it to start with. But, it is getting damp and muggy. I need out. And, I am making bigger steps every day. Well, I should say that the fog is lifting. The problem is the mess you have created in the fog. I am trying to work my way through. Jerry is helping where he can. But, he understands I need to do some of this on my own. I am making strives to better myself.
    I have signed up as an Avon representative. Partly because we need some extra income. And, partly because I need to be busier. Etsy has picked up a little. Which is good. I am getting a memorial tattoo for Sarah. And, I will use that money to pay for it. She was planning her anchor tattoo. If figure that since she can't get one, I will. It will be a little something like this.

     I mentioned on a Facebook post today that I was VERY excited about getting to watch the season premiere of Vampire Diaries. I also mentioned that I had my own reason for wanting to watch. When I was a freshman at McMurry, I discovered a series of books by a relatively new author named L.J. Smith. When Sarah discovered Twilight, after my reading it, I suggested that she would enjoy the books. She was in 6th grade, I believe. She devoured them. Then, she read The Secret Circle, also by L.J. Smith. She followed that with some of my other favorite books. My very favorites being Blood and Chocolate and  The Silver Kiss by Annette Curtis Krause. 

     The night before she died, Sarah was at a football game and I was at home watching Vampire Diaries. While discussing the episode on the phone after the game, Sarah had commented that if the series had gone ANYTHING like the book, Elena would have been a vampire a long time ago. We agreed wholeheartedly on that. Well, it finally happened. Somehow, I just had to see it. The episode that she wanted to see. The one where Elena became a vampire. I was sitting on the couch alone watching the episode. I cried part of the time, because she wasn't with me. But, I cheered on the characters. It is something very trivial. But, sometimes, those trivial little moments mean a lot. 

I do believe some reading about something with fangs is in order. 

To Come in Costume or Not in Costume, Welcome to the World of Cons

I have been to ONE comic book convention. It was splendiferous! I felt a wave of Nerdvana wash over me as I first stepped out of the car. We had seen a few people in costume. But, the girl getting out of the car just then, she made my day. I was the only one in our group that knew who she was. Well, the character. I even knew the episode! "Shindig" from Firefly. Out steps a lovely auburn haired girl in a pink confectionery delight of tiers upon tiers of ruffle. I knew that I had found my happy nerdy home.

So, I decided that since I have a few friends who have never been to a "Con" (short for convention), I would make a list of hints, tips and general things to know before you go. My lovely assistant Jerry Don shall help me. OK, he has been way to way more conventions than me.

1. Bring your camera. And, make sure it is well charged. Yes, you will have your phone. But, I assure you, the service will be non-existent and/or the battery WILL die. There are so many things and people you will want to take your picture with. And, don't think, "OH, I will come back to take the picture then". Most likely, you won't get another opportunity.

2. Check the website before you go. You will want to be prepared for how much autographs and such will cost. Yes, the big celebrities will charge you for an autograph. Some of the actors will even charge you to take a picture with you. But, not all. Some will have prints available to sign. They might charge for them. They might not. When we got the autographs of David Prowse (Darth Vadar) and Jeremy Bulloch (Boba Fett) we could have had our pictures done. But, we were so excited, we forgot. David Prowse had prints available that he included in his price. we had one with Vadar and Boba. FYI Star Wars actors are generally far  more "generous" than Star Trek. So, we have them framed together. And, just because the site says that they won't be there, they might still. It's best to be prepared. The comic book artists at the last convention in Dallas would sign up to two pieces of work. And, some will even do sketches for you. 

This is my favorite comic book. I got to meet the artist Jamie Tyndall in Dallas. Also got a signed print. He is a really nice guy. His wife does cosplay. Speaking of which...

3.  Cosplay, short for "costume play," is a type of performance are in which the participants don costumes and accessories to represent a specific character or idea. There will be cosplayers at conventions. The bigger the convention, the more cosplayers. When taking photos of cosplayers, common courtesy is to ask permission and ask their name and verify their name. Besides, they are generally hams, and they will pose for you.  These guys and girls spend a lot of time on their costume. And, some of them are nationally known. Tallest Silver and Kit Quinn are our favorites. Here are some examples.

A female Gambit - Marvel

Black Widow - Marvel

Poison Ivy - DC

Storm - Marvel

Darth Maul - Star Wars

 And, if you want to come to a convention in costume, you will most likely be asked to get your picture made. Be a good sport. :)

4. You will want to each bring a back pack. Even if you don't normally, you'll want one. There are so many things to buy. And, if you are planning on bringing items to have autographed, you'll need it. Also, it gives you room for the camera we mentioned earlier. Plus, you may not want to leave things like a GPS in your car. You will have to pay for parking. But, that still doesn't guarantee your car will NOT get broken into. Another thing that you may want to consider is a poster tube. I would post a picture of ours. But, I can't remember where it is. Most of the prints available are not small. And, they have straps, so your hands are free. And, look around before you start actually shopping. There are going to be booths selling the same goods. Some booths will be a lot more expensive than others.

5. Bring snacks and a bottle of water. There are concession stands. But, they are not cheap. And, there will be lines. Generally, long lines. And, you are not going to want to leave for lunch and come back. 

6. Label your child. If I took a child under 10, I would use a Sharpie, write your names and numbers on their arm. Mostly because there are so many people in one building. 

7. Expect long lines. So, whenever possible, buy your tickets ahead of time. It is not unheard of to spend 2 hours getting in without tickets. And, long lines EVERYWHERE. Food, booths, to get in, to the bathrooms. Just be ready.

8. Even if you are in a group of adults, pick a meeting place. As I stated earlier, the phone reception in most convention centers is really bad. So,you can't count on being able to call or text each other.

9. There will be costume contests, panel interviews and such. Figure on being there early. It may be packed. Especially if Stan Lee or Patrick Stewart are involved. Also, if you are in a group, you might have someone hold seats for you.

10. Don't expect to see every star. Just because they are in the building, you might not see them. (I DID get to see Summer Glau, however. She is as lovely and graceful in real life as she is on screen.

11. When you meet a celebrity, rule of thumb is to never quote one their lines. It gets REALLY old.

12. Even though it is a "comic book convention" there will be booths, actors, artists and vendors from a variety of genres including, gaming, comics, anime, sci-fi, and all things geeky. INCLUDING Doctor Who. Lots of Doctor Who. I love Doctor Who. If David Tennant ever comes to a Con in Texas, I will simply die. 

13. The Dallas Con is not the San Francisco Con. The bigger the Con, the more there is to see, do and buy. There are often movie previews, a lot more actors, exclusive merchandise, and more opportunities in general. However, there will be a lot more people, a lot less true "nerd" based media and much longer lines

.

14. And, if you are an artist, feel free to bring your own work. The artists are generally very kind, patient and supportive of other artists. Our kids shared their work with Richard Dominguez, I believe it was. He gave the kids very patient and enthusiastic critiques.

15: Wear Tennis Shoes. If you are in costume, bring them. There is NO WHERE to sit down inside.

16. Steampunk... Well, that's just another blog all together.

Nearly a year...

     I am sitting her listening to a podcast "starring" my friend Jeff Emery about life with juvenile diabetes. It is reminding me of how Sarah coped as an individual and as we functioned as a family. I was amazed at how she functioned in the world. She had "melt downs" where the weight of diabetes overwhelmed her. But, I can count those times on my fingers. She made it clear that she had the disease. Not, the other way around. She did not want to be known as the kids with diabetes. That really ticked her off. I am so proud of the woman she was becoming. She was so a staunch defender of her friends and loved ones. She was tender hearted When the ones she loved were hurting, she hurt, too.
   One thing I should clarify. The original thought was that her blood sugar had dropped in the middle of the night. It did not. She did have a seizure. And, it caused her heart to turn on her. Most likely as a result of the stress on her heart. I have had several people ask. And, I felt this was a good time to clarify.
     I don't grieve like other people. No, I don't wallow in grief. I make a point to not let my sorrow effect how I treat people. Some people might see it as being uncaring, or thoughtless. More likely, it's ADD. I am in agony. Not a moment hardly goes by during the day that my thoughts are not on my kids. Some of you know that I have "dad's weekends" with Ty. When I left his father, the children stayed with their father because they wanted to stay at the same school. My children were in the best place for them was with their father.  The day that I came to that conclusion was one of the most heart wrenching ever. Not that their father is a better parent, or that I am a bad parent. Just that it was where they needed to be. I did not have the means to provide for them like they should be. And, they were thriving despite the divorce. And, if Ty asked to move to Abilene, I would say no. He needs to be where he is.
     As Friday morning gets closer, I can feel my heart sinking. The anniversary is technically on Sunday the 16th. But, it feels like Friday. It feels so much like it did last year. It is the same week of the football season.. Playing the same team as last year. The weather is even the same. It is going to be Ty's first football game. I am worried that last year will overshadow last year. Sarah was so excited that she understood the rules. She spent the whole game last year messaging me about the game. I was keeping her up on the current episode of Vampire Diaries. I was trying not to tell her too much about the Secret Circle after that. We were worried they would butcher the story. They did. But, she never got to watch it.
     I love Sarah's stepmother. And, I don't say any thing from here out against her. She has always "done right by my children." And, it was my choice to leave and come to Abilene. But, that does not lessen the hurt that the last night my daughter spent on this world was not with me. It is agonizing. It is heart wrenching. It actually causes physical pain. The hardest thing in the world is not thinking out what she would be doing right now. She would be driving, with a permit. She would most likely have a boyfriend. She would be tall and beautiful. The me I wish I had grown into. I wish I had her gusto. Her guts. (She got those from her dad. We made some pretty awesome kids.) But, if I think about it too long, it pulls me towards a dark place.
     The Dark Place is where I spent a lot of time a few years ago. I promised Sarah I would not go back there again. I felt like a roadblock in people's lives. Just someone who was always in the way. I would hurt myself. Not injure myself. I have a scar from running a serrated letter opener over the same spot for weeks. I had suicidal thoughts. I would not have gone through with them. But, when you ask, "Why on earth would someone ever consider killing themselves?", remember, their self worth is non-existent. You honestly feel the world would be a better place without you. Your children would be better off without you. That you are a hindrance to everyone. I still have trouble with my self worth. And, I still feel like I am an annoyance that gets on everyone's nerves. And, I suck as a friend. And, as a person in general.  I can barely stand being around myself. So, I don't see how others can stand it either. But, it is getting better. A lot better. In some ways, I am better than I was a year ago.
     A lesson that I have learned over the last few months is that I am not the only person grieving Sarah. It was hard to accept that outside of immediate family, others were still missing her, too. She wasn't just mine. She belonged to us. As parents, we had a bigger piece of her. And, we do not all grieve the same. Some of us make comments that others "don't get" or find offensive. I am sorry. But, I am really tired of watching what I say. There are heaps of stress and problems in the world. And, some in more homes than others. This effects how we cope.
     I am going to wrap this up. I am wiped, fully and completely. But, one more thing before I go. If there is anything I have learned in the last couple of years. Peace and joy don't come to you. You have to take it. Find it. If you don't have anything that makes you happy. FIND SOMETHING. And, by God, DO IT! Don't take the oh, who is me route. No one can make you happy. You have to DECIDE to be happy. Yes, there are times that your circumstances make things more difficult. When possible, changed your circumstances. Love yourself. If you don't, it will make it more difficult to love others. And, remember, there are people who love you. There are people out there who want to help you. you ARE NOT ALONE!!!! But, no one can make you do anything it's up to you.

In just over a week...

      ...it will have been a year. A long, heart wrenching, breath taking, life altering year. I am at a huge overwhelming ball of emotions. Mostly good, actually. There is a a certain amount of peace that comes from running low on firsts. I know there will be more. But, we are past the first holidays without her, first birthdays, start of school, and things of that nature. There is also a selfish sense of thinking that somehow now that a year has passed, that the rest of the world (not counting really close friends and family) can move on and let us have the grief to ourselves.
      I have come to realize that Sarah meant more to the world than I could have imagined. Somehow, knowing this helps. You always hope that your children will have an impact on this world. I already had an idea. I knew of several occasions of her standing up for other kids. Some where she was willing to take on a bigger kid, or less popular. She stood up for the underdog. And, she was proud of who she was and who she called her friend. She had faith in God. Not always religion. She and I believed there is a great difference between the two.
      I figure that I will spend a lot of the next week remembering the last week and a half. Remembering the last phone call, text messages, hugs and so on. The night before she died, she was at her step-brother's football game. It was the first game that she understood the rules. So, I figure that is a lot of the reason that I am dreading Ty's first game. It won't feel the same without her there.
      Well, that is all for the moment. I need some rest. I just hope I get it. Good night all.

I need a vacation.

I want a vacation far away. One where I can take my husband and son. Hide away from the world for a while. I know that just isn't going to happen. I'm just tired of people. I even got frustrated with kids today. As in wanting to tell the kids to keep their brats quiet. I have had more screaming and yelling than I can take. And, it's not just the screaming and yelling there. It's politics, too. My friends are very evenly divided left and right. If I am your friend on Facebook, I know where you stand. But, the hatred being posted by normally sweet kind people and the generalizations are ridiculous. Yes, you are entitled to your positions. But, remember, Christ wants us to love each other. And, he didn't spend all of his time in the Temple. Nor, did he spend it all with the people that needed to be reached. I love all of my friends. Even the ones I haven't met.

 I am far from being the person I want to be. I am working on it. It gets old being the woman that people treat as "the woman who lost her child." It is really old. It is hard to move forward. I don't want to say on. That sounds like I want to forget where I am and start over completely. I am not. And, a lot of the issues I have been around a long time. I have a hard time getting motivated to do things. I also fight depression, anxiety and low self esteem. (And, don't bother telling someone with those issues to look up or try to lift their spirits too much. We tend to think you are just trying to stop us from complaining about ourselves.)

I am the girl who worries about whether she needs to shut up, because she has either overstepped her bounds or is just being plain irritating. Or, assuming that the only reason her husband wants her is because he has low self esteem of his own. And, that he settled for you because he could do so much better. I doubt myself at every turn. And, I normally run from confrontation. But, I am getting better at that.

Part of what we are working on is our house. Jerry had a ton of "stuff" when we got married. He is getting rid of a lot if it for me. He knows that the house needs some work. A lot of work. He figures that he will have got rid of 3/4 of his stuff by the time he is done. He wants to do it. But, I still feel guilty.

OK... I know I have rambled A LOT. And, I had so much I wanted to write about. But, I am tired. And, the heat puts more strain on me than I like to admit. Well, I am going to go see if My 12 year old has done ANYTHING in his room.  Have I mentioned how frustrated I am...

In the time you carry a child in your womb...

     Today makes 9 months since Sarah's death. I spent the afternoon surrounded by little girls and big girls. There were at least three families all raising money for their Diabetic Alert Dog. While walking to the door, I was thinking to myself that if Sarah was alive, she would be in there primping. Then, it occured to me, "No. We are here because of her." With her death, there are going to be at least seven families in the Abilene area that may get to sleep better at night because of their D.A.D..

     I was asked what I wanted said about Sarah today. This is what I wrote...

     "The joy of Sarah was knowing that when you met her, you knew her. She was completely honest with who she was. She made it clear that she had diabetes. It didn’t have her. She had dreams of a career in music production and promotion. She was in love with the idea of making a living by finding bands, and making THEIR dreams come true. In the entire time she had diabetes, which was half her life; she only complained a hand full of times. And, when she did, it was that it was not fair that other kids did not half to worry about checking their sugars, write them down or keeping checking in with their parents.

     She was strong in every way. Physically, emotionally, and spiritually. She was honest to a fault. She didn’t understand that not everyone can handle brutal honesty. We had to work on that. But, she never hid who she was. She believed strongly that you should not hate people for what they did. “Hate the sin, not the sinner.”

She will never get to kiss a boy. But, she will never have her heartbroken.
She will never go to college. But, we will not be worried about her living on her own.
She will never get married. But, she will not have a spouse who worries about her as he lies by her sleeping.
She will never have a child. But, we will never have the months of worry associated with a diabetic pregnancy.
She never got to fulfill her dream of crowd surfing on a moving tour bus. But, at one time, if you searched her very common name on Twitter, you would find that she was the first result for the post the band Black Veil Brides posted about her.

     We are heart broken that she is not here anymore. But, there is nothing we can do about it. Her body had been ravaged by the effects of diabetes. Years of high and low sugars will do that. We will never know why she left us so early. (We could ask when we meet our Creator. But, I am pretty sure that I will be too busy looking for my little girl to bother.) But, for those diabetics who are still with us, an alert dog could make all of the difference in the world."

     And, this was the song I chose to have them sing...

"Good Riddance (Time Of Your Life)"

Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road

Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go

So make the best of this test, and don't ask why

It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.

I hope you had the time of your life.

So take the photographs, and still frames in your mind

Hang it on a shelf in good health and good time

Tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial

For what it's worth it was worth all the while

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right. 

I hope you had the time of your life. 

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right. 

I hope you had the time of your life. 

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right. 

I hope you had the time of your life.

I Wanna Break a Leg

     I have been watching the second season of Glee today. It is actually all I have done. I miss the stage. A lot. With only one car, it's problematic. But, my friend, neighbor and fellow thespian can probably give me rides to practices. I may just do it. I really would like to do a musical. It's been forever since I read a piece of sheet music. But, I really want it. I would love for Ty to see his mother on stage. The last performance I was involved in was my senior directed play. I had just found out I was pregnant with Sarah. That makes it about 16 years ago.  We'll see. Maybe one day soon...

It's Been a Rough Couple of Years...

     As much joy as I have experienced, I have had a lot of heart ache, too. I have been generally pretty lucky in life. As a child, I manage to have a fairly easy childhood. Money was tight. But, we did not have any large problems. School was fairly easy. I had quite possibly the easiest divorce of anyone I knew. Heck, I only had 2 hours of labors and easy c-sections with quick recoveries. Now, this was balanced out by a marriage that was far less than satisfying and a child who was stricken with diabetes. And, the eventual death of my child.
     When I came back to Abilene, I chose not to bring much back with me. I regret not getting some of the things, now. There are books that I purchased for the kids, toys they had, things that I want for when I have grandchildren. Today reminded me of that. I have talked to Jerry about starting a small toy box for girls. And, replacing some of the books I no longer have. The ones that I can not even say the names out loud with out getting a little teary eyes. Love You Forever, Goodnight Moon, Chicka-Chicka-Boom-Boom...  (will there be enough room, a told b, and b told c, I'll beat you to the top of the coconut tree).
     I have come to term with not having kids with Jerry. The last part of the realization was considering that his Marfan's Syndrome is genetic. And, that is the last thing I need to pass on. And, it better be a good while before I have any grandchildren. So, I plan on taking out any maternal urges on other people's children.

   

     I saw this today, and I didn't even laugh. I actually understood completely. It is hard to ell some days if I am just OK, or if I am just to worn out to care. I worry that I am being lazy some days. Taking the easy way. Or, if I am just using the situation I am in to my advantage. I don't have kids at home. I have tried to call our house Ty's other home. But, it really isn't. His Dad's will always be home. That is the house he was born and raised in. It feels like I am putting too much pressure on myself by forcing the issue. He is far too happy there to even consider trying to move him. He is thriving under our current arrangement. It breaks my heart to know I do not play a larger roll in it. Don't get me wrong. I adore my son. And, he adores me. No one tries to leave me out of anything. But, it still hurts. Mostly because I put guilt on my own shoulders. I seem to thrive at that. 

     Well, I am going to get off for now. I baby sat two darling kids today. But, I am wiped. Thanks for listening to me whine, guys.

    

And flights of angels sing thee to thy rest

     I miss Sarah. Yes, this is obvious. But, today was worst. She was heavy on my mind. I am doing pretty well, for the most part. But, there are moments last night when I am lying in bed, and I have a vivid flashback. I start remembering smells and sounds. I have to shut myself out of the moment. It is really hard to do some times. Little things have been aggravating the memories. Mostly, knowing that she would be doing things like track and softball right now. I got a text message from one of her friends last Wednesday. They had a track meet the next day. It would be her first one without Sarah. I am going to try to get to one of the meets. The girl was very special to Sarah. And, I feel like I should go at least once. I may take a group.
     The hardest part lately was seeing the picture of one of her friends with her driving permit. I nearly lost it. Sarah could be driving with a permit if she was still here. On a humorous note, she may have saved us a vehicular Armegeddon. She would have turned 16 this year on 12-12-12. We used to joke with her that the world would come to an end. She would just give us an evil laugh. It is getting easier to hear her laugh. She had a slightly warped, very clever sense of humor. Her favorite character in Monty Python and the Holy Grail was the Rabbit.
     I also got the news that two more children were diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes today. One of which is a new friend. We met because we have both lost children to diabetes. Now, her son was diagnosed.This is my greatest fear. If Ty is ever diagnosed, it will not be pretty.
     Well, I do believe my husband has gone to bed without me. So, I will take that as a cue and say goodnight.

A Cornicopia of Conundrums

    Well, some aspects of this weekend were great. Others blew. We had plans with friends that we didn't get to go ahead with. This was one time when having another car would have helped. So, instead of ticking off my mother in law and telling her, "Sorry we have to take you home now." We ended up taking a lot longer to get things done that we needed. Then, we lost the car in the Walmart parking lot. My knees were killing me. So instead of getting to go out for at least an hour or so to enjoy the mud and time with friends, I was inside Walmart waiting on her.  I love her dearly, but this has to stop. She did apologize to me. But, I let my friends down. And, I am sick about it.
    Ty did have a pretty good time, other than going to the the lake. He was not happy either. Since he has started dealing with losing Sarah, he has been trying his hardest to be the best son possible. He is going above and beyond what I expect from him. It makes he and I both very happy.
     On an up note, Jerry will be moving to the IT department at work. We are ecstatic. I am trying to get things together for Artwalk next month. I want to have lots ready to sale. I will hope to get it all posted on the Whetsel's W$earables Facebook page.
     Well, I have tutus to make. So, I will keep this short. More later.

I never thought I would miss Salma Hayek in my bedroom.

OK... Jerry has had Salma Hayek pictures up in the bedroom as long as I have been around. He took them down. I kind of miss her watching over us while we are sleeping. And, maybe I kind of wanted to go nanner-nanner, he's mine. He also took down the huge Mad Max poster. It had large images of Both Mel and Tina. But, Mel is still hanging on the wall in a smaller picture.

It all stemmed from working on our kitchen. we are having to do a little remodeling. I am trying not to run off with the project. I want to make sure it looks like a family house. Not, a girly house. Ugh...

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And, my "enter" key is giving me fits.

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 I watched "Armageddon," today. Again. I love the movie, even though I cry through the last 2/3 of it. My favorite aspect of the movie is the concept of redemption. And, how everyone received some form. My favorite is when the mom tells the boy, "That man isn't a salesman. He's your daddy." But, that is a blog for another day.

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 It occured to me I am crying a lot. This is a good sign. I have always cried a lot. But, in the last few months, I couldn't hardly cry at all.

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One of the hardest thing about having best friends is having to share them. It's also one of the greatest joys.

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Finding the line between having the faith of a child, and NOT reacting like a child is a really hard thing to do.

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Last little note, I am on several medications for various reasons. FYI, this might be TMI for some people. Some meds do some weird things to your body. My cholesterol meds make my urine stink. And, the iron pills make for sticky black poop. So, always use our guest bathroom.

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And, you should check out my husbands blog. http://chasteknight.blogspot.com/

Tidbits

I have learned a lot of things this year. Small little bits of experience. I shall pass some on from time to time. Tonight, I shall pass on some of what I have learned as a waitress.

~ Always fill your sugar basket. You never know when company will stop by. Try to be prepared to at least have a drink to offer handy.


~ You know how you got to a restaurant, and you get that really cranky waitress. Take time to think that you do not know what your waitress has been through that day. Or, week. I know I had to have had some customers wondering what the heck is her deal. But, on the same note, when you are taking care of someone else, be mindful that you don't know what is going through their head. Whether you are serving them food, waiting behind them in line the store, driving in the car behind you, and so on. Oh! And, this goes for those overly perky people, too. You never know, they may be fighting back thinking about something that will make them very unhappy. And, if they are really that happy, shouldn't we admire it. Not be upset.

~ The way we treat others is often overheard by others. And, it does influence what people think about you. If you are pleasant at the table, and they hear you go to the back and yell ORDER instead of being considerate enough to take the time to walk to the cook and politely tell them you have an order, it will effect your tip.

~ By George, if there is something you see needs to be done, and you have the time, do it yourself. And, don't do it just so someone else will do it for you later. It's called being a grown-up. No one said doing the right thing is always easy or convenient. But, sometimes it really is.

~ Your actions effect other people. Sometimes, whether you like it or not.

That is all for now. Judge Dredd is calling.

Sunday Thoughts and Ramblings...

     I spent 15 hours in bed. We went to bed early, watching a movie. And, I refused to get out of bed for a while after sleeping late. I wanted to spend as much time lying in bed with Jerry as I could. I will not get to see him much this week. He works every night. Going in about the time I will get home. So, I hoarded him all to myself. and, I needed it. Well, we did. In that time, nothing else really matters much.

     Jerry actually enjoys his job.  But, the environment he works in, including the hours cause him a lot of stress. He has put in for a position in his IT department.  It would mean Monday to Friday from 8 to 5. Whether it came with a raise or not, it would be a vast improvement. And, would be far healthier for both of us.

     On the subject of health. Most of you know I am anemic. I go back soon to check my bloodwork again. Hopefully, I just need to adjust my diet. But, my luck sucks. I am also on the lowest available dosage of Paxil. I know the doctor will ask if he needs to I think it is helping enough. I really don't know. It has helped. But, I am not sure if I would benefit from more. I took this dosage before, and the only side effect we noticed was that I bruise really easy. I am doing it this time, too. I have a feeling the anemia is making it worse. I am feeling signifigantly better than I was. The question is, will more medicine, for a time, help or am I at a point where it is up to me to make myself better. I think I am going to wait to see what we find out about the anemia before I make that call. There are a lot of things that cause anemia that I may need some help dealing with. Sigh... it's a good thing we can't afford for me to drink much. I can so see how alcohalism comes out of these situations.

Here is an example of a bruise. 

(Who the heck can bruise that part of their leg? Me, I guess.)

     One more subject, then off to do some dishes and laundry.

     Ty performed in the talent show Thursday night. I got to take him to practice that afternoon. Come to find out, he would be the first to perform. He did a great job of manning up. I was so proud. Sarah's friend Baylee was sitting in front of us. Ty had already told me that if he got nervous, he would pretend it was just him and Sarah. He had the song on his iPod. And, they will let you sing with one earbud in. He did great.

Ty's Talent Show Performance

     After he performed, Baylee turned around to tell us that it felt like Sarah was there with us watching her little brother, and she would be so proud. That is when I became keenly aware that the seat next to me was vacant.

One of the last to perform was Molly playing a medley on her fiddle. She did beautifully. I had enjoyed the entire evening. Then my feet came out from under me, so to speak. She began to play Amazing Grace. The last time I heard THAT song in THAT room was at the funeral. I began sobbing. Then I realized that the empty seat next to me was #14. She was 14 when she died. and, then I realized I was about 2 seats down from where I sat at the funeral. I managed to get myself together before the lights came back  up. But, it reminded me that I will have 7 more years of events in the auditorium. And, everytime, I will think if her funeral. Which really sucks, because that is where Ty will graduate. I feel close to her there, too.

     Ty was always overshadowed by Sarah. And, sadly, I think he will for a good while. But, he is also getting to cut his own path that will not be compared to a sister who was such a strong personality. But, I see more of her in him everyday. And, I with that, I see more of me. It makes me so very proud to call him my son.

Just a thought...

There are somedays that I wonder how many people have never experienced the word, conviction.