Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Nearly a year...

     I am sitting her listening to a podcast "starring" my friend Jeff Emery about life with juvenile diabetes. It is reminding me of how Sarah coped as an individual and as we functioned as a family. I was amazed at how she functioned in the world. She had "melt downs" where the weight of diabetes overwhelmed her. But, I can count those times on my fingers. She made it clear that she had the disease. Not, the other way around. She did not want to be known as the kids with diabetes. That really ticked her off. I am so proud of the woman she was becoming. She was so a staunch defender of her friends and loved ones. She was tender hearted When the ones she loved were hurting, she hurt, too.
   One thing I should clarify. The original thought was that her blood sugar had dropped in the middle of the night. It did not. She did have a seizure. And, it caused her heart to turn on her. Most likely as a result of the stress on her heart. I have had several people ask. And, I felt this was a good time to clarify.
     I don't grieve like other people. No, I don't wallow in grief. I make a point to not let my sorrow effect how I treat people. Some people might see it as being uncaring, or thoughtless. More likely, it's ADD. I am in agony. Not a moment hardly goes by during the day that my thoughts are not on my kids. Some of you know that I have "dad's weekends" with Ty. When I left his father, the children stayed with their father because they wanted to stay at the same school. My children were in the best place for them was with their father.  The day that I came to that conclusion was one of the most heart wrenching ever. Not that their father is a better parent, or that I am a bad parent. Just that it was where they needed to be. I did not have the means to provide for them like they should be. And, they were thriving despite the divorce. And, if Ty asked to move to Abilene, I would say no. He needs to be where he is.
     As Friday morning gets closer, I can feel my heart sinking. The anniversary is technically on Sunday the 16th. But, it feels like Friday. It feels so much like it did last year. It is the same week of the football season.. Playing the same team as last year. The weather is even the same. It is going to be Ty's first football game. I am worried that last year will overshadow last year. Sarah was so excited that she understood the rules. She spent the whole game last year messaging me about the game. I was keeping her up on the current episode of Vampire Diaries. I was trying not to tell her too much about the Secret Circle after that. We were worried they would butcher the story. They did. But, she never got to watch it.
     I love Sarah's stepmother. And, I don't say any thing from here out against her. She has always "done right by my children." And, it was my choice to leave and come to Abilene. But, that does not lessen the hurt that the last night my daughter spent on this world was not with me. It is agonizing. It is heart wrenching. It actually causes physical pain. The hardest thing in the world is not thinking out what she would be doing right now. She would be driving, with a permit. She would most likely have a boyfriend. She would be tall and beautiful. The me I wish I had grown into. I wish I had her gusto. Her guts. (She got those from her dad. We made some pretty awesome kids.) But, if I think about it too long, it pulls me towards a dark place.
     The Dark Place is where I spent a lot of time a few years ago. I promised Sarah I would not go back there again. I felt like a roadblock in people's lives. Just someone who was always in the way. I would hurt myself. Not injure myself. I have a scar from running a serrated letter opener over the same spot for weeks. I had suicidal thoughts. I would not have gone through with them. But, when you ask, "Why on earth would someone ever consider killing themselves?", remember, their self worth is non-existent. You honestly feel the world would be a better place without you. Your children would be better off without you. That you are a hindrance to everyone. I still have trouble with my self worth. And, I still feel like I am an annoyance that gets on everyone's nerves. And, I suck as a friend. And, as a person in general.  I can barely stand being around myself. So, I don't see how others can stand it either. But, it is getting better. A lot better. In some ways, I am better than I was a year ago.
     A lesson that I have learned over the last few months is that I am not the only person grieving Sarah. It was hard to accept that outside of immediate family, others were still missing her, too. She wasn't just mine. She belonged to us. As parents, we had a bigger piece of her. And, we do not all grieve the same. Some of us make comments that others "don't get" or find offensive. I am sorry. But, I am really tired of watching what I say. There are heaps of stress and problems in the world. And, some in more homes than others. This effects how we cope.
     I am going to wrap this up. I am wiped, fully and completely. But, one more thing before I go. If there is anything I have learned in the last couple of years. Peace and joy don't come to you. You have to take it. Find it. If you don't have anything that makes you happy. FIND SOMETHING. And, by God, DO IT! Don't take the oh, who is me route. No one can make you happy. You have to DECIDE to be happy. Yes, there are times that your circumstances make things more difficult. When possible, changed your circumstances. Love yourself. If you don't, it will make it more difficult to love others. And, remember, there are people who love you. There are people out there who want to help you. you ARE NOT ALONE!!!! But, no one can make you do anything it's up to you.

1 comment:

Lorelei said...

Good on you for coping! I didn't remember the date, but knew it was coming up on the time of year when I went to the memorial. Sarah152 ylopala knew she was loved, and there is no greater gift in this life.