Monday, August 13, 2012

I need a vacation.

I want a vacation far away. One where I can take my husband and son. Hide away from the world for a while. I know that just isn't going to happen. I'm just tired of people. I even got frustrated with kids today. As in wanting to tell the kids to keep their brats quiet. I have had more screaming and yelling than I can take. And, it's not just the screaming and yelling there. It's politics, too. My friends are very evenly divided left and right. If I am your friend on Facebook, I know where you stand. But, the hatred being posted by normally sweet kind people and the generalizations are ridiculous. Yes, you are entitled to your positions. But, remember, Christ wants us to love each other. And, he didn't spend all of his time in the Temple. Nor, did he spend it all with the people that needed to be reached. I love all of my friends. Even the ones I haven't met.

 I am far from being the person I want to be. I am working on it. It gets old being the woman that people treat as "the woman who lost her child." It is really old. It is hard to move forward. I don't want to say on. That sounds like I want to forget where I am and start over completely. I am not. And, a lot of the issues I have been around a long time. I have a hard time getting motivated to do things. I also fight depression, anxiety and low self esteem. (And, don't bother telling someone with those issues to look up or try to lift their spirits too much. We tend to think you are just trying to stop us from complaining about ourselves.)

I am the girl who worries about whether she needs to shut up, because she has either overstepped her bounds or is just being plain irritating. Or, assuming that the only reason her husband wants her is because he has low self esteem of his own. And, that he settled for you because he could do so much better. I doubt myself at every turn. And, I normally run from confrontation. But, I am getting better at that.

Part of what we are working on is our house. Jerry had a ton of "stuff" when we got married. He is getting rid of a lot if it for me. He knows that the house needs some work. A lot of work. He figures that he will have got rid of 3/4 of his stuff by the time he is done. He wants to do it. But, I still feel guilty.

OK... I know I have rambled A LOT. And, I had so much I wanted to write about. But, I am tired. And, the heat puts more strain on me than I like to admit. Well, I am going to go see if My 12 year old has done ANYTHING in his room.  Have I mentioned how frustrated I am...


BerlinBear said...

Sometimes I read what you have to say and think that we must be twins or something. I understand most of what you said here. I feel the same way, a lot. Hugs, Cousin.

Jenn said...

You always ramble, its charming :) lol love you

Spiffy said...

Depression, anxiety and low self esteem. We should make shots named that and have a drinking game while watching Dr. Who. Oh, wait- that might not be entirely healthy. We should make cupcakes named that and eat them while watching Dr. Who.

Love you.