Sunday, March 11, 2012

It's Been a Rough Couple of Years...

     As much joy as I have experienced, I have had a lot of heart ache, too. I have been generally pretty lucky in life. As a child, I manage to have a fairly easy childhood. Money was tight. But, we did not have any large problems. School was fairly easy. I had quite possibly the easiest divorce of anyone I knew. Heck, I only had 2 hours of labors and easy c-sections with quick recoveries. Now, this was balanced out by a marriage that was far less than satisfying and a child who was stricken with diabetes. And, the eventual death of my child.
     When I came back to Abilene, I chose not to bring much back with me. I regret not getting some of the things, now. There are books that I purchased for the kids, toys they had, things that I want for when I have grandchildren. Today reminded me of that. I have talked to Jerry about starting a small toy box for girls. And, replacing some of the books I no longer have. The ones that I can not even say the names out loud with out getting a little teary eyes. Love You Forever, Goodnight Moon, Chicka-Chicka-Boom-Boom...  (will there be enough room, a told b, and b told c, I'll beat you to the top of the coconut tree).
     I have come to term with not having kids with Jerry. The last part of the realization was considering that his Marfan's Syndrome is genetic. And, that is the last thing I need to pass on. And, it better be a good while before I have any grandchildren. So, I plan on taking out any maternal urges on other people's children.

     I saw this today, and I didn't even laugh. I actually understood completely. It is hard to ell some days if I am just OK, or if I am just to worn out to care. I worry that I am being lazy some days. Taking the easy way. Or, if I am just using the situation I am in to my advantage. I don't have kids at home. I have tried to call our house Ty's other home. But, it really isn't. His Dad's will always be home. That is the house he was born and raised in. It feels like I am putting too much pressure on myself by forcing the issue. He is far too happy there to even consider trying to move him. He is thriving under our current arrangement. It breaks my heart to know I do not play a larger roll in it. Don't get me wrong. I adore my son. And, he adores me. No one tries to leave me out of anything. But, it still hurts. Mostly because I put guilt on my own shoulders. I seem to thrive at that. 
     Well, I am going to get off for now. I baby sat two darling kids today. But, I am wiped. Thanks for listening to me whine, guys.

1 comment:

Kristi Stevens said...

I think of you often and all that you have been through. My kids are my life. I know yours are too. I hope you are doing okay. You have been amazing in my eyes, with all that you have had to deal with. As far as making it a second home. It can be. It can be just a comforting to him as the first house. Kids do adapt to changes. Just don't let it slip further from you. Mine have been through some big changes lately. Boys NEED their mommas, whether they think so or not.