It has been weeks...

...since I have blogged. To be honest, it is mostly because my wireless card snapped in half. And, it is a pain in the rear to use a laptop with a cable. So, I figure today's blog will be the result of me leaving the laptop on so I can just swing by and add as the day goes on. So, it may be far more random than normal.

     Last night at United, we stopped to read the Valentine's greeting cards. There are some really good this year. I am not so sure that it really had more to do with being married to Jerry than the actually quality of the card writing. I mean, really, the man is a doll! When we were going through the "lady section" he thought to ask if I needed more. What man thinks about these things. This I am sure is due to the growing up just him and his mom. Note to self: Get mom-in-law a fruit basket.
     Anyways. I was already sobbing. It was getting hard to see the cards with the tag stating "Daughter." I did OK, until it occurred to me, Sarah would be getting her first REAL valentine from a boy this year, most likely, if she was still alive. That hit really hard. Jerry let me wander off down the aisle and let me cry a bit. Then came to check on me. He is a saint in the way he knows how to handle me. I need a few minutes to get it out of my system a bit. Then, to be held. I love how he knows me better than I know myself, most times. OK, I will give you a moment or two to continue with your gagging noises, Mom.

I would really like to do portraits and such on the side. I DO however need to work on my photoshop skills, first.

I am having a really hard time with the baby bug. I want to raise kids with Jerry. He would make such an awesome dad. And, out views on so  many things about children are so alike. He would just rock. Plus, the house is so empty. But, it helps that my friend, Jessica also has the bug. It's nice not being alone.

Yes, I may  just be the perfect woman for Jerry. Reading Judge Dredd while watching The Incredible Hulk. That's the way I roll.

 New favorite quote, "Birds sing after a storm; why shouldn't people feel as free to delight in whatever sunlight remains to them?" ~  Rose Kennedy

     So, one last little bit before I go. We were talking not long ago about people praying for a person they don't know. A coworker commented that while walking across her university campus, someone asked if they could pray over them. Another person said that it would make them very uncomfortable if this happened to them. I am pretty sure that a few months ago, I would have said the same thing. But, I have learned to be open to people's good wished and faith. I have my own faith. It has actually grown strong throughout everything that has happened. It has actually grown stronger. But, I have also learned that you can indeed also lean on other people's faith as well, like a bonfire. The more of you that stand together, the stronger and brighter you are.

     I have had people ask me at work how my day was going, and I told them. They have prayed for me. I had the father of a friend from high school who had actually met Sarah while working at Abilene High, where my mother works, ask if I would stay with them as they prayed before their meal. I think the comfort level stems from knowing that people that I have never met praying for me. The sensation of being bathed in prayer has been nearly constant. It is amazing. To those of you who have been praying, thank you.

     Well,  I guess that is all for know. I have the Birds of Prey TV series to watch (Oracle, Batgirl and the Huntress). Good night and sweet dreams. 

Just a little update

Well, it’s been a while. So, I guess I will start with this coming weekend. My phone show the next 3 events listed on my calendar. After I dismissed Jerry’s work shift today, Sarah’s birthday came up on the list. She would be turning 15 on Monday. My heart skipped a little when it came up. Jerry and I both took the day off. So did my mother. Since Jerry and I did not get to take a honeymoon when we got married, we are going this weekend. Sarah was really unhappy about us not getting to go. And, she wanted to go to Dallas. She was such a big city girl. She would want us to go. And, we will make a point to celebrate the little things that we would love. Maybe a balloon release. I am really excited. We need to get out of town. We have a real hotel room and all.

On another note, I went for a physical last week. I complained about being tired. A LOT. Not the depressed tired where you are sitting on the couch going, “I don’t want to get up and do anything.” This is a, “I really need to get up and get these things done.” I had to do two trips worth of blood work. I also have to do another test. So far, I have to add B12, D and iron. I just hope we can find out what the problem is.

I got to go to the ladies Christmas party for our church, tonight. We had so much fun. : ) We had an ornament exchange. Hilarity ensued. Thanks ladies. I could go on. But, I really am tired. Thank you guys for listening.

3 days of Thankfulness

I haven't posted my "what I am thankful for" for the last 3 days on Facebook. It has been a tad crazy. And, so have I.

There has been a lot of chaos. But, I don't want to even think about it. We do have a car. It will legal Monday. I guess we got a few break. but, for every good thing, it seems like there is something to make up for it. As Sarah said, "Murphy is a douche." (I didn't let her use the word often. but, sometimes, it just fits.) It has been two months and two days since she died. My heart throbs knowing she won't be coming back. I won't see her turn fifteen. Her birthday would have been in a few weeks. she would have a boyfriend right now. : ) I like the boy, too. So, did she. Last night was the worst night yet. It was a weird day, all the way around. About one o'clock in the morning, it hit me that we would have been at the movie theater together. That was the end of it. I went to bed sobbing. Jerry being the wonderful husband he is, just held me and let me cry. That is until I realized I could NOT breathe out of my nose. I had to make myself stop crying, sit up and make the most unladylike noises ever. But, it made us laugh, and relax.

The quote of the day came from one of Jerry's coworkers. "If you guys ever get a break, I am buying a lottery ticket."

Well, I have 3 days of thankfulness. So, here goes...

November 16th...Sarah

I have gone on and on about how awesome she was. So, have a lot of people. Even if I only had her for fourteen years, I had her. She was a blessing.

 

November 17th...Ty

I don't even have words for the change that has taken place in Ty within the last year and a half or so. The divorce was the hardest on him. And, it made things difficult between he and I. But, he has grown into such a sweet, compassionate, animated, loving, bright, fun-loving young man. I see a lot of his sister in him. And, more of me everyday. It makes me smile.

November 18th... Baylee and Ian

Baylee is one of Sarah's best friends. We joke that she is Jerry's love child. She fits in so well with us. She even looks like us. And, she really does feel like one of our own. We have been blessed with her in our life. I remember the first time she spent the night. Sarah popped off, "Great, I lost my best friend to Jerry." : ) She isn't a replacement for Sarah. We already loved her. And, her mother is kind enough to let her come spend the night sometimes still.

Ian is the kids step-brother. If you know my baby brother, Doug, he is a lot like him. except skinnier. He has been such a good influence on Ty. I really think that he is a lot of the reason that Ty has done so well. He has helped guide Ty socially. Plus, he is a darn good kid. (And, his mom said I can claim one of his pinky toes. She is kind of awesome that way.)

Well, that is all for tonight. I am tired. And, Jerry has already crashed. Man, I love him. He is one of the best things to every happen to me. Good night all. Until the next time...

Blue

I have wanted to blgo for the last 2 weeks, or so. But, I have been to tired to do anything about it. I am afraid I have caught a cold. So, this will probably be short. My body is in need of rest.

This was a weird week. It seems like things might have finally started to turn around. My husband and his mother were in a wreck last friday. The truck is totalled. It is our only vehicle. He is fine. His mother hurt her hand. Nothing major, but it will take a while to heal. I was rather frustrated with her. She kept refusing to get her hand checked out. we told her that is why there insurance. It was only after Jerry told her that the insurance would cover up to $2,500 medical for either of them, that she believed us. She honestly did not think that insurance covered the injury. She nor Jerry have ever had to deal will insurance and a collision. I won't even start on the jerk at Enterprise who screwed Jerry over. It has turned out to our benefit though. There was a LOT of work that needed to be done on the truck. And, we really needed a car. Both to carry more than 3 people, and something with better gas mileage.

On the second thursday of every month, Abilene has "Artwalk" downtown. I set up my booth for the first time. I had a really good time. I sold some canvases, ornaments and such. I also had my first coffee from Monks (a downtown coffee shop).

Jerry has a job opportunity that, if he gets it, will make his life much easier. I don't want to divulge too much. But, life will get a little more "normal" around here if we get it. Send prayers, please. And, keep your fingers crossed.

And, on to the subject of life without Sarah. I seem to have moved on to the mood swing phase. It is rather frustrating. The people who see me on a daily basis, the girls I work with and Jerry. , get to see the full range. Mostly, it isn't too bad. I am more "down" than I was. But, I am laughing and smiling more. I do still have my frustrated with the idiots of the world and throwing myself into the bed, crying my eyes out moments. There are a lot of things I need to work on. Getting off my ass and getting stuff done, being the biggest one. There are other problems and such, some of which stemmed from months ago. I know that they are serious, and they need dealt with. But, I will be damned if I am going to let myself get back down to that dark, overwhelmed place. That place scares the hell out of me. I would really rather not go there. It is a very hard place to come back from.

We helped a it at a 5K for a friend of ours on Saturday. They are raising funds to pay for an "alert dog." The dog will alert when Ashley's sugar goes too far up or down. And, can save her life. We had a great time. And, they made a lot of money. There was also a balloon release for Sarah. I posted pictures on my Facebook page. Jennifer, my friend and T1 mom, has been awesome. She has been a great friend through all of this. She has taken my feelings into consideration in everyway possible without making me feel left out. It is a hard balance to find. And, she has done it beautifully.

Before I go, tomorrow in National Diabetes Awareness month. So, in honor or memory of the diabetics in you life, please, wear blue. : ) If you need a person to think of, here are a few... (Sarah is on the top row in the pink hat.)

The Rest of the World Moves On...

Well, hadn't blogged in a bit. So here goes.

Tomorrow is Halloween. I went out in a minimal costume Friday night. I had a good time. And, I am dressing up for work. Same outfit. But, that is it. I am coming home. We are going to turn the lights off outside. I can not even imagine going outside tomorrow night. Ty is going to ask his dad to take him trick or treating. I am afraid that I will just spend the whole night crying. I do NOT want to ruin the Halloween for him. Next year, we will make up for it.

One of my best friends has been overseas since June defending our country. He is married to one of my other best friends. I feel terrible. I have been of absolutely no use to help. I can not wait for him to get home. And, I am so happy about it. But, I am so worried about being a downer, that I have not been a good friend. Everyone understands. But, I still feel terrible. Luckily one of my other best friends is helping out with their kids and such. I am so glad.

Well, I guess that is all for now. I really need to go get some housework done. But, I don't imagine it will happen. I am so exhausted lately, I am not getting anything done. Surely it will get easier in time.

When You Learn From a Preschool Lesson

Today just sucked for a while. I had a bad morning...That's all there was too it. Lot's of reasons. Sarah was not there. She and I would vent to each other about the soccer games. And, we would visit. Her absence nearly brought me to my knees today. And, the game was ugly. I did not handle myself well at all. Then, we stopped in Anson for Mesquite Daze. Ty had a lot of stuff going on that he wanted to do. I could not do all of it. And, he was having the same day I was. He was mad and exhausted. I do not think it was really just mad at me. It was bad enough, that I offered to let him stay with his dad if he wanted. He refused to talk to me the entire way back to Abilene.

We got home and he crashed in his bed. Hard. When he finally got up an hour and a half later, he thought he had slept all the way through the night. But, he woke up the sweet boy he usually is. We even spent a little while lying on his bed just talking for a bit. He even snuggled with me. My heart felt much better.

Then, while working on my Sunday school lesson for my preschoolers, I was reminded that we are often sent on a mission without realizing it. God sends us somewhere, like on a treasure hunt. One clue that leads to another clue, that leads to another. The scripture reference, Acts 8:26-40, is the story of the Ethiopian and Philip. God only gave him short directions. Go here. Stand here. Philip knew what to do from there. God often puts people in our paths, or us in theirs for reasons we might not see for a while.

I have two best friends that if you had asked me a year ago if they would get along,  I probably would have told you not likely. They are both in situations with their immediate family where they are all but disowned for actually standing up for themselves and doing what is best for them and their children. well, in the time since we lost Sarah, they both lost their grandmothers. This makes me happy. God put us in each others lives for a reason. : )

Well, I better get to bed. This has been a very long day. Hope you all have a beautiful Sunday.

The Joys of Autumn

October has always been my favorite month. I am an autumn girl. It was the month I shared with Sarah. We lived for Halloween. We would start our costume ideas the next month. We loved the decorations and celebrations. The first blow to our Halloween festivities was her diagnosis. Halloween sucks when you have diabetes. There always people who are considerate enough to make sure you have stuff in your bag that you don't have to give to your parents are siblings. But, I think that the being singled out like that wore thin on Sarah. She was searching for a place where she didn't stand out so much. Not that she wanted to fit in, exactly. But, if she was going to stand out, she wanted it to be by her choice, not because of a medical condition.

We loved that we got to break out our boots. ( She wore hers in the heat of Summer, too.) She could wear her toboggans without any grief from her father. (She wore them in summer, too.) Time to break out coats. The leaves would change. This year, it doesn't look the trees will not be as pretty as normal. I am actually glad. I will not have the glorious image of driving down 277 with the flaming hues of fall draped down either side attached with the memory of losing her.

She wouldn't be playing soccer this year. She was too old to be playing in Anson. But, after Ty's game Saturday, I miss her critique of the players and the referees.

And, I normally love to bake pies. But, apple was her favorite. I can't look at an apple pie, or meringue without thinking of her.

I did get a sweet reminder of why I love this month...children in fuzzy-zippered-jammies!!!!  The sweetest 4 year old girl was riding in her mother's cart just as proud as could be. Ty is too old for them. He used to love them. There is a pair hanging in his closet at his dad's. I asked if they still fit. He assured me he was too old for them, even if they did fit. (I informed Jerry that I didn't want to see him in zipper jammies. It would be too weird, even for me.)

Well, the Scream Awards are coming on Spike. So, I am going to watch to my nerdy heart's content. Goodnight all!

One Month

It has been one month today. I am torn between feeling like an eternity and just yesterday. In a lot of ways, I think I am coming out of this a better person. I can see her smiling at me. Telling me to get off my butt and do what needs to get done. (Apparently when you child's memory is talking to you, they   this is part of the reason that I want to have children with him. He missed out on a lot of father and child moments as a child. The idea of him missing out on the father aspect also, well, it breaks my heart.

On another note, I may have lost my mind. I have accepted a job at Radio shack as merchandiser. I am looking forward to it. I don't have to deal with sales. The part I am dreading is that it is 30-40 hours a week. But, I figure busy will be good. And, we need the money. I am still going to work at the restaurant and the sewing/crafting. oh! And, I am also paid for keeping the nursery at church on Sunday mornings. That makes 4 jobs. Oh joy...

I have more ornaments to make. So, off I go. Until next time.

Updates & Confessions

1. I still haven't hyperventilated.
2. I still haven't thrown up on anyone.
3. I still haven't stabbed anyone. But, there are a couple of hours left in the day.
4. I am eating. But, I am still constantly nauseous.
5. I finally had Sarah come visit me in a dream last night.
6. I was jealous of the people who had dreamed about her.
7. We got the autopsy results. 10 or so doctors looked at them. There is nothing definitive. They agreed that it was most likely a seizure due to low sugars. She had a problem with her thyroid. But, we would not have had a way to know yet.
8. I feel bad because I sleep more than I should. It isn't as easy to stay asleep as it used to be, though.
9. I am going to have to do something about a second job. The hard part is that we only have one car.
10. I dream about having babies and small children in the house. I wanted them before. Now, well...you can imagine. And, Jerry would make the most awesome dad. I feel bad that he has missed out on so many moments everyone should get to enjoy as a parent.
11. We are so broke it isn't funny.
12. I wish I could just stay home and do crafts and sewing for a living.
14. The hardest thing to do lately is to get up off the couch. Shut down mode sucks.
15. If I ever win the lottery, I want a tummy tuck and a boob lift. Well, both boobs lifted. And, I would give a significant amount to my ex. Jerry and I agreed on that. I am glad that I can truly called him my friend. And, in time, Jerry will be able to, also.
16. I am pretty well bypassing Halloween. Sarah and I enjoyed it more than any other day of the year. We had been planning our costumes since November last year.
17. Jerry has a lovely rear end. : )
18. I am paranoid about having bronchitis and not knowing it.
19. I actually have a list of things that freak me out on my phone. Well, I have the list on my phone.
20. I can't seem to shed tears. It makes me feel guilty. I still do everything else. But, the tears just don't come.

Meh

It's been a few days since I blogged. So, I figured I would check in. I have Ty this weekend. We had a nice date, with both my guys. It's kind of akward. We all can sense Sarah's absence. It literally defines deafening silence. It has been far harder. Yesterday was three weeks. That is the longest amount of time we have been without her.

Well, guess that's all. Gonna read some more Questionable Content and go to bed early. Motivation is gone for a while.

"How Are You Doing?"

I am stunned at the sheer number of times I hear, "How are you?" How on earth did I not notice it before. Cashiers at stores, people at work, people I have not seen in a while... So, I have decided to start giving honest or random answers. Such as,  " I am feeling rather gassy today.' " I have only wanted to knife one person today." "I was doing pretty good until you reminded me that I had a reason NOT to be OK. Thanks! Buh-bye."

The last couple of days have been harder. Honestly, part of it is due to the fact that I started my period and feel like crap. (Reminds me of the Wonder Woman movie when the Amazons do not know what the word means.) I decided that I needed to go to the mall to get out of the house for a while. Jerry was working late. And, I had friends that I had not seen who could not make the funeral. One of which had a mean professor that would not let him takes his test early so he could make it to the funeral. He might give away answers to the other 2 students.

Well, in my trip, I learned that I am still not ready to go to Hot Topic or the Halloween Store. When we went to visit our Comic Book store, we had a nice discussion with the owner, Larry. He stated that after his father passed away, it was the random moments that really got to him. We had gone to HEB the night before. There are a lot of things that are made difficult by diabetes. Grocery shopping is one of them. I feel guilt at knowing that we do not have to worry about it, anymore. I had gone to get a jug of tea. I suddenly became keanly aware that I did not have to worry about getting the kind with Splenda. There was the start to the first breakdown in HEB.

Well, I could go on. But, I have 2 baskets of clothes to put up. And, Serenity is on TV.  So, until later, have a goodnight. And, come up with some creative greetings, people. For example, "Seen any sexy men washing cars lately?" "Felt the urge to belt anyone lately?"

Grieving On Our Own

This will be a short one tonight. I just want to share a moment. There have been a lot of deaths in the last few weeks. And, all of us have our own ways of grieving. And, none of us grieve the same. Some of us grieve privately. We need time alone to process out thoughts and emotions. Time to, get it out of our systems. Some of us are going to just burst out and let our emotions flow free.

However, when we have children, our grieving has a direct effect on them. Ty, for example, informed me that he is very worried about me. And, he does not want to see me cry. I think part of this stems from him being in the room when they told me Sarah was dead. Shara and I both reacted in almost identical manners. You can imagine, screaming and crying. I feel bad for the others in the room. I am also afraid it was scarring to the boys. But, I am also honest with Ty about my emotions. I don't want him to think that I don't care. I told him I am going to cry. And, I am going to cry often. And, sometimes it will be loud and in public. But, I will try not to in front of him.

I have a friend who has a houseful of kids. She is grieving a family member herself. Her situation is far different. As  much as she loves the person, she had not had good relationship with them in a long time. Her kids are making it hard to grieve. They are worried about her. And, won't leave her alone long enough to process. I have offered my services as a buffer. And, she finally got some time to herself.

One other thing, please be careful about asking people about how they are grieving. I have had people ask me if night time is worse. And, I must be having trouble sleeping. They are assuming that I am reacting in a typical way. Guess what, I am not. I am sleeping pretty darn well. I am not sleeping in. But, Still getting 8 hours a night. I have held up well. I only break down about once a day. I am not a complete wreck. And, I feel guilty about it on my own. I feel like I should be more upset, or mad. But, I am just not. And, when people assume that I am, it adds to the guilt.

Don't get me wrong. The thought that she isn't her anymore is constantly just under the surface all of the time. First thought in the morning, last thought at night. I am very agitated as it is. So, if I say something short, don't be surprised. The reality is starting to settle in.

Two Weeks

It has been two weeks since my Baby Girl died. Part of me wants to say I lost her. But, that entails not knowing where she is. But, I know where she is. And, I understand why Peter Pan went to so  much trouble to get his shadow back. She was my shadow. Even when she was not actually with me, she was my shadow. She was part of me in ways I do not even begin to fathom. She was the me I wish I had been at her age. She was more brave than I was. And, far more daring. So comfortable in her own skin.

I wish that I could say that I am OK. Or, that I ever will be. I will never be the same. In many ways, this has brought out the best in me. I guess you could say I am numb. But, it feels more like drained. I am out of the bad emotions. The sense of her absence always hovers just under the surface. And, I do get upset. But, not as often. It is hard to hear people telling me how I will feel. It is like they are trying to set expectations for my mourning. But, I will mourn in my own way. And, in my own time.

I made a promise to Sarah a year, year and half ago. Most people do not know that in the six months before I left my now ex husband, and for a few after, I was at my lowest point. I was in what I refer to as my "dark place." This place is where I hurt myself. And, I had suicidal thoughts. There was one day that knowing that my children's soon arrival is all that stopped me. I decided that I couldn't live that way. And, things had to change. I know I am telling a lot here. Things most people would keep quiet. But, I know I am not the only one to have these thoughts or feelings. And, had Sarah's passing taken place even a year ago, I would already be medicated. And, if I haven't ruled it out. But, for now I am OK. Sarah had friends who were cutters. These are people who injure themselves due to all sorts of reasons. Usually depression, or anxiety. Feeling unworthy. Sarah had come to me asking what she could do. "Love them," is what I told her. I told her what I had done. And, that I had promised Jerry never to do it again. And, I made the same promise to her to not go back to the "dark place." It isn't even an option. Thanks to Jerry, and some wonderful friends, that I really do not understand how I deserve, I am at a much healthier place.

For now, I am sleeping as well as I did. Not as much. But, I slept more than I should have to start with. I am exhausted physically, as well as emotionally and mentally. And, I have lots of work to do on the house. Getting Jerry and I settled in together. I may even go ahead and put up fall decorations. I am afraid if I start avoiding holidays now, I might keep doing it. And, Sarah would be unhappy with me if I did. It is the funniest thing what gets me choked up. Seeing a poster that Sarah would have loved. Even last night, we went to get Red Diamond tea. When Sarah was not going to be at the house, we get the regular sweet tea. But, we made sure to have it with Splenda for bug. I don't have to worry about that now. I feel selfish in the fact that in some ways our lives will be more simple now. So many things we don't have to worry about, like that. And, she would want us to relish in that. But, I can not. Maybe one day. But, not now.

And, as petty and selfish as it is, I don't want to think about diabetes for a while. I do not want to read about another child dying from diabetes. I do not want to know what any one's sugars are. I have a few close friends who have children that are like family to me, Jon, Mary Hannah, Ethan, Lauren...But, other than that. I just do not want to know, for know. I need the time to celebrate my child. Not my child, Sarah the diabetic. But, Sarah, the spunky, vivacious, rock-n-roll, in-your-face, artistic, loving, compassionate, finally tactful, honest, warm, hilarious, spontaneous, intelligent, too big for real life young lady she was. There are fund raisers in her name are great. I have no problem with it.

But, for now, I want to remember my daughter for being all I wish I had been daring enough to strive for, even now. Maybe the road to Heaven is along the way to Neverland...second star to the right and straight on until morning. My lost girl.

A New Normal

Today was a day of firsts. Ty called me for the first time on a school morning, just to say good morning. (I felt horrible. I had fallen asleep on the couch. And, left my phone in the other room. So, I missed the call.) I went to work today. My first night with Jerry working nights. (He is standing over my shoulder trying to make sure if I shouldn't go up to work with him. I pointed out that I have a bed here. And, cable. Also, the large glass of Parrot Bay and Coke I am drinking. I will be doing good to stay awake long enough to post this on Facebook. I actually considered buying a Christmas ornament.

Work was good. I needed the distraction. I new my coworkers were watching me. Making sure I was OK. But, the day went well. Good even.

Ty was very sweet when I called him. I asked if he had called just to call, or for another reason. He was so polite about it. He just wanted to talk to me. So, from here out, my phone stays right beside me. The first voice I will hear is his precious one. He is growing up on me. Aging. getting taller. He is getting peach fuzz and his voice is getting a tad deeper. He is becoming a young man his sister would be proud of. Sure of who he is. But, gentle in temperament. He has handled this all so well. He has worried about everyone else. Some people might have thought it was odd that he spent the whole week with his dad. But, he was very worried about his step mom. And, wanted to be where he could take care of her. (She was the one who found Sarah Friday morning.) He is a people pleaser. But, he does not let anyone run him over, either. Saturday night, he slept with us. We had walked a lot that night. And, he used out shower. When he came out, he asked if he could lay down with us. He slept right by me all night. I really needed it.

Jerry "closes" three nights a week. This means he gets home anywhere from one am to 4 am. But, rest assured, thanks to the previously mentioned rum and coke, I will be in bed soon. And, sleeping. This has been the most time I have spent alone in the last week and a half. Mom took me to Hobby Lobby today. And, I had to take Martha home from work. But, I will be OK. If any more crying and gnashing of teeth occurs, I figure it is justified. I was screaming earlier. To the point I nearly lost my voice. I have cried so much that when do, there aren't any tears anymore. I am pretty well out of everything. My heart and mind ache. My brain and body aches. I am giving in tonight, and sleeping.

I have so many things to do in this house, painting, cleaning, organizing, packing stuff up, finding room for plants. It is frustrating me that it isn't all done. But, it is getting there.

We went to Hobby Lobby to look at frames for a painting Sarah did years ago. Mom wanted to frame it for her house. We went to the Christmas ornaments. I think that Christmas in some ways will be easier than Halloween. Halloween was out holiday. We started planning out costumes November 1st. But, this year, I just can't. I will take Ty trick or treating. But, I think that will be it. And., I figure we will serve food somewhere else for Thanksgiving. But, Christmas, we didn't have any traditions yet. Jerry and I lived together last Christmas. But, we had not had time to start any new traditions. Stephen had the kids last Christmas morning. And, since he and his new wife had their kids for alternating Christmas mornings, I volunteered to skip this year. I did decide we are going to do a peace sign Christmas trees. With purple, lime green, orange, bright pink and blues. It shall be groovy.

Well, I am rather tired and Vin Diesel is on TV with his shirt off. ; ) So, until later. Thanks for you ear. Good night all.

Well...the flowers have begun to die...

Be prepared for some random babbling.

Some of the cut flowers from the funeral have started to die. Maybe it is because it makes this all seem so much more real. But, it is agonizing. I have pulled all of the cut flowers from the large arrangements to fix smaller ones. Ones that don't look like they belong in a church or a funeral home.Or, maybe it was just something to do with my hands. I am not sure which.

I want to start writing a book about funerals. Customs, guidelines and such. For example, it is impolite to walk up to a man and say, "So, now there are two black men in Anson." Yes, someone actually said that to a friend of mine at the viewing. Also, when attending a viewing, do not bathe in cologne, make-up, or hairspray. DO take a bath. Usually you are in a small room that will be packed with people. And, it will get hot in there. And, the family will have a lot of people to hug. The smells and aromas, even from makeup, will eventually get to the people receiving all of the hugs. Oh! And, please do not chain smoke.

On the subject of food, keep in mind that most of the food at the house during the first week, especially when it is a spouse or child who has passed, will be eaten by guests. Consider bringing food the next week. And, easy on the fried chicken. Also, the most helpful thing people brought were new, disposable storage containers. That, and toilet paper. (OK, so the coconut rum and turtles were my favorites.)

And, thank you again to Dawn for the book. Tear Soup did wonders for me.

If you see me, and an ambulance approaches, be ready to catch me. I have heart palipitations anytime I see one now. And, go straight back to the emergency room. The flashbacks are coming more often. And, I am not doing well with them.

My newer friends probably aren't aware of my household situation. I have a son as well. The kids' primary residence is their father's house. They wanted to go school in Anson. When I divorced the kids, and to this day, I can't afford to live their. So, they stay at their dads. Sarah and I were closer than she and her father. Ty is closer to Stephen. It's normal. My husband, Jerry, doesn't have children of his own. So, I am having to face the fact that until and if we ever get the money, adoption will be my only option for more children. It is highly possible that I will not have a child living in my home on a regular basis. I was already having issues with the fact that my tubes are tied. I wanted to add children. Not, have one taken away. Also, Sarah was the only girl on either side of her family.

There are a lot of good things Sarah will miss out on. But, there are so many other things that she will not have to deal with. Neither will we. That is a blog for another day. But, knowing that I will not be lying awake at night worried about what could happen while she is in bed living on her own. it brings me a very small bit of peace.

Well, there is far more that I want to say. But, my eyes are tired. And, my heart. So, I think I shall take some nyquil and find my pillow. Or, at least curl up on the couch. Who knows, I might even put actual pajamas on. And, not sleep in the clothes I wore all day.

Long Lines

Wow...I have never felt so wrapped in love. Visitation was tonight. I do not recall ever seeing so many people in a funeral home. There were people I had not seen in years there. We have all been blessed to have such good friends. A friend reminded me today about the one set of footprints in the sand. I begged to differ with her. This time, I do believe there are a crowd of feet carrying us all. I believe God did indeed put some very special people in our lives to lift us on their shoulders and carry us through. Many relationships have been strengthened in the last few days.

I have run out of "projects." Since arrangements are all done, I don't have busy work. I think I am going to go bake now. Just what we need. More food.

Sing...for sarah...

     It's official. I had my first crying fit in public. I received a message from one of Sarah's camp friends who recently lost a parent. I started to turm and tell Jerry I needed to tell Sarah about it.
    
     There are so many things I have wanted to write down. Like how awkward it is for people to approach us. This sucks. And, there isn't anything that is going to make it better. Time will ease the pain. But, it will never go away. Some people have called it being numb. But, it more too exhausted to process emotion. My body won't seem to let me think about her too much. I want to collapse on the inside for a while. But, I can't seem to. When I start, I nearly hyperventilate.
    
     She looks as well as we could have expected. And, in case you are coming to see her, there are sharpies to leave her a message on her coffin. We think it might help some of the kids with their grief. And, Sarah would love how it looks. Also, we decided to go with what Sarah would want, rather than what is expected. : ) The music will be hers. She would have wanted it that way.
    
     I was already having issues with wanting to have another child. Now, I lose one. I am planning on getting some counseling soon. I think I need it. It has already been arranged for the boys.
well, I need to look for a couple of more songs and some scripture.

    Yes, I should be sleeping. I will in a bit. At least I will try.

     I want to tell her goodnight, and hug her neck. But, I can't. So, if you have your child handy, hug them for me.

Tear of Joys and Mourning

Several of us have posted about where we were and what we were doing 10 years ago today. Others have posted that today is about remembering the people that died that day. Today is about far more than that.

            Being the tenth anniversary, for some of us, marks the passing of time. There are several of us who had children that year. Y2K babies. For us, it marks the amount of time our child has been on this planet. Also, how our upbringing and experiences will be different than theirs. My generation had the Iranian hostage situation, the challenger and the assassination attempt on Ronald Reagan. We had the Oklahoma Federal Building bombing. But, even that is only a foggy memory. We do not have a childhood memory of a foreign country attack us on our soil. Ask the people who remember Pearl Harbor as a child, I am sure they had a far different view of the world that the rest of us. And, the passing of that time is also a simple reminder that ten years has gone by. For some of us, a lot happened in the last 10 years that did not have anything to do with 9-11. But, any kind of monumental anniversary causes us to think about the passing of time.

            And, for those of us who had or have loved ones who are firefighters and police officers, it is a time that we remember all of the officers who have fallen in the line of duty. If you could any of the men that died in uniform that day, they were doing their job. They didn’t have to be there. We should make a point to remember also the ones who died saving one person from a burning building. Their courage shouldn’t be diminished just because they died in one fire not another. Any rescue related public servant worth their salt would have been there would have if they could. Not saying we should not remember the ones that died. Rather saying while remembering, find one who is nearby, hug them and say thank you. Take some cookies to your local station. Make a quilt for a rescue victim. Take water to the station. Give them a smile. Do not complain when it takes a while for them to get there. (Especially if they are volunteer!)

            I could go on about why today is important. Just remember that we need to balance our mourning with joy. Remember the patriotism that blossomed after that day? Remember out grandparents pride in their country? Where is yours? Are you wearing it proudly? Are you smiling? Do you remember that you are blessed to live in a country where you could spend this morning in a church of your choice without prosecution? Or, not go? (Remember, our forefathers started this country for this freedom!) Have you committed any random acts of kindness? Have you hugged anyone? Have you made a point to enjoy your family? Have you said hello to a stranger? And, have you remembered the families of other travesties? Take time to be thankful!!!!!

Take joy in the fact that people DID make it out of the buildings. I remember my brother calling me, saying he saw a high school friend on the news walking down a sidewalk. Sometimes knowing one person is alive can make all of the difference in the world. I also have a friend whose father who walked in front of the federal building in Oklahoma City everyday at the time that the bomb there went off. He happened to take that day off.

Balance your tears with joy. Then, share that joy.

     I wanted to post this on Facebook. but, I know I probably ticked someone off somewhere, because they think I belittled or misssed someone. But, I just needed to get that off my chest. Thanks for listening.

The Joys of a Strong Minded 14 Year Old (With Low Blood Sugars)

     Well, I had to let Sarah's father know that she has posted on her tumblr page using the "f-word" twice. She was ranting about how insane her first day of high school was. I normally monitor her page better. But, thanks to a friend, I checked hers last night to find the "bombs." I am keeping in mind that her sugars were hard to keep up that day. (When she is wound up emotionally, her sugars fall constistantly.)
     Will she live to see tommorow? Most likely. Will she be happy about it? Probably not.

Let's start at the very beginning, a very good place to start.

     Well, here we go. Man, my life has changed so much in the last couple of years. I wish I could say that things were all sunshine and roses. But, it's getting a lot better.
     The wedding was last weekend. It was stressful. But, I am working on putting those issues behind me and moving on. No point in dwelling on the past. The wedding was beautiful. It was awesome to be surrounded to be surrounded by friends and family, both old and new. It has amazed me how Jerry's family has welcomed me with such open arms.
     I am currently working 2 jobs which is killing me. I put my 2 weeks notice in at one job, today. It is sucking the life out of me. I can't physically hold up to it anymore. So, I get to look for another part time job, that is less strenuous. Plus, I have just plain grown to hate the job.
    Well, since I have to be up before 8am to get my husband to work, I better make this first post short.

Oh! I am still working on getting Whetsel's Wearables off the ground.