This is where I am conflicted. On one hand, I am taken in by the bright colors and mixed textures. The beautiful shapes, shimmering in reds and greens. The bubble gum pinks covered in sparkling glitter. Our family has a tradition of each person picking out a new ornament. I have always done this with the kids and Jerry joined in when he joined the family.
The Christmas after we lost Sarah, I went a little overboard buying decorations. Jerry didn't complain. It was my way of getting through the holiday. Plus, we were a brand new family and didn't have a lot of ornaments.She had been on a peace sign kick. So, we decided on a theme of Peace. So, we had lots and lots of Peace themed ornaments. So basically, the tree was covered in her ornaments.
Last year was hard. The trip down the aisle that I normally love was nearly painful. But, we quickly found an ornament that was a perfect choice. A large white jingle well covered in white glitter with the word peace on it.
This year was easier. That is except for the thought of choosing an ornament for Sarah. We usually pick our ornaments by what we are interested in or we are drawn to. I have been on a seahorse kick. And, Jerry loves robot related toys. Our choices were obvious. Our son will pick his when he is with us.
I do not know what Sarah would want for an ornament if she was here. I just don't know. I know what things she loved. I know what things brought joy to her face then. Looking for an ornament that says, "Sarah would love this." is painful. It is a reminder that she is not here. It makes me ponder, "What would she be doing right now if she was still here? Would she still want a career in music production? Would she still be doing art? Would she have a job?" These are the things I try not to think about.
"Would she have convinced her dad to live here for high school?" If she did, she would be getting ready for bed for the night. I just can not let myself think about it too long. If I do, I find myself spiralling down into a valley of sadness that weighs my heart down.
So, I try my hardest to not think about it. Instead, I have decided to continue with the theme of peace. So, every year, I will look for a new "peace" ornament. I contemplated not getting her one. But, my children get a new ornament each year. It will not change because she is spending Christmas in Heaven instead of here.