Tuesday, October 8, 2013

Fluoxetine and Alprazolam

Everyone wants to be part of a group. It means that there are people with similar interests that like you and want to be around you. It has only been recently that I have felt like I really fit into a group. I always had the feeling that I was tolerated. I was on the edge of a lot of social circles. But, with the exception of my very closest friends, that was it. I just felt tolerated. And, it was through no one else’s actions or words. I sincerely mean that. I cannot stand myself some days so why should I expect anyone else to.  When I think about myself, all I see are my flaws. I see the lazy, unmotivated, irresponsible blabber mouth that does not know when to shut up. I feel like a failure as a mother. I’m a horrid mother. And, like most women, when I look in the mirror, all I see are my faults. And I see plenty of them. So, for the life of me, I don’t know why I would ever fit in any group.

But, as life has gone on I have become of groups that I do not want to be part of. There are some very nice people in the groups. And, they are very supportive groups. But, that does not mean I want to be a member.  I am a member of divorced parents of America. (Just because I don’t want to member doesn’t mean that I regret my divorce.) I am member of the Dad’s Weekend Group. I am a member of Parents that Have a Child Died.

I am also a member of the Mental Health Issues group. I have never really felt that I belong. Even though I was treated for depression and anxiety, I never really felt that I belonged. Somehow, I always felt not worthy. That I just have a touch of it. That I really make more of an issue out of it than it really is. Even hearing time and time again what the death of a child can do to a person, it didn’t sink in until today. When the doctor read PTSD off of my chart, I jumped. And, I was already riddled with anxiety today. (It was a good day to go to the doctor. She saw me in rare form.) And, I know how have two new prescriptions to help me function like a “normal” human being. But, I am starting to feel a little more like I fit in the group. It's not like their is such a thing as a model mental health patient, after all.

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