How Big Her Brave Is

Today is one month from Sarah's 17th birthday. I have pondered how to word that sentence. Is her birthday... Would be her birthday... Would have been her birthday... But, December 12th will be her birthday. And I am reminded by that with every picture I see of her friends as they are getting older, then I feel guilty. It makes it hard to see the other children without seeing her. It makes it hard to see how beautiful and bright they are, how they have grown and stretched their wings. Especially the ones that were close to her, but I do see it. It brings tears to my eyes as well as a smile.

I stop and wonder when I see the pictures, "What would she look like?" I pretty much just need to look in the mirror. But, would she still have a rocker girl edge? Would she be a little more main stream? Would her hair still be short or would she have let it grow out? Would she still want to be involved in music production? Would she have a boyfriend? Would she have a job? 

One thing I am sure of is that she would still have her self-assured, not always tactful, compassionate, charming, bubbly, non-judgemental, loyal, kick ass personality. She was brave, she was physically and emotionally strong. It didn't mean she didn't have moments when she was weak, but they were few and far between.

I remember her coming home from school one day telling me from across the room (with her head whipping around like a slightly crazy person) about the trip home on the school bus that day. The bus bully was being a jerk and grabbing other kids bags, specifically Ty and one of his friend's. He was trying to get a rise out of them along with the other boy's brother. So, Sarah gets in his face and tells him to give their stuff back. He threw the bags down and threaten to bitch slap her. 

This is where I thought to myself, "And, then she said, 'You go right ahead and try!'" 

She popped of, "I sat down and thought, 'You go ahead and try.'"

I knew my daughter pretty well. 

There was another occasion when Sarah overheard a girl making a snotty comment about a friend that was walking with her and she called the girl on it, loudly. Luckily her art teacher stepped out the door before any punches were thrown. I know you shouldn't condone violence, but I was far more proud of her for standing up for a friend than being upset with her for getting into a fight. The other girl smarted off and was rude to the teacher. After that, the teacher forgot about the girl's verbal skirmish and hauled the instigator to the office. 

Remember those girls I see in the pictures, especially the ones she knew? I know she had an impact on their lives, I hope for the best. I also hoped that she taught them to be fierce, to be strong, to use their voices, to be comfortable in their own skin and to make an impact on them to stand up for others. 

In the words of Sara Bareilles, "I wanna see you be brave."