Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Have a Happy Zanax, I Mean Thanksgiving!

I need a distraction from thinking about people that aren’t going to be here this holiday season. I have had a heavy dose of missing the grandparents and Sarah this year. I am not sure if it is the stress finally easing from the divorce, starting a new relationship and losing Sarah, but  I have had gaps where I don’t have a lot of clear memories. 

They are starting to flood back in.

They aren’t bad memories. They are generally very good ones. But, it’s still hard. When we were children, we would have Thanksgiving at my maternal grandparents. There would be a ton of family there. Same with when my children were small. There were always a lot of people. But, as everyone gets older, we move further apart. Thanksgiving and Christmas were when MeeMaw's pie making skills were shown off. Coconut cream, pecan, lemon meringue and chocolate meringue... all loaded in her pie baskets. Tomorrow, I will load one of those baskets with an apple and a buttermilk. 

I miss her. 

As a child, I remember coming to my father's parents in November to find two large pots of chrysanthemums on the dining room table. Every year. Both of my grandparents birthdays and their anniversary fell in the same week in November. I think of them every time I see a Chrysanthemum.

I miss them. 

Sarah made the deviled eggs. She was very good at eat. I can't eat one without crying, now. The last two Thanksgivings haven't been as bad as I expected. This year seems to be making up for them. I am the least stressed I have been in a long time. 

That may be the problem. I keep thinking of what it would be like if she was still here. The sound of her voice and her laughter. How she would come up behind me and grab me. 

I miss her so much that it hurts.

So, this will be my first medicated holidays. I know I have the right to miss them. But, it doesn't mean I want to.

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