Wait... Do I Know You?

I realize and hope that all of my readers do not actual know me in the sense that we have never met. We could have shot dirty looks at each other across a restaurant, liked the same George Takei post, even read the same blogs or have friends in common. So, I figure I should take a moment to let you get to know me. And, who knows. Maybe I will get to let me know myself better in the process.

I am not going to give you the entire, “I remember a brilliant white light as the fluid in my body was purged through my lips” shpill. Maybe one day. But, today we’ll just go back a few years. I had just moved back to my hometown. I had left my now ex-husband. I refuse to bash the man. Some people don’t get or understand that. That is their baggage, not mine. I am just going to leave it with he makes a great ex-husband and leave it at that. I was dating an old college friend. I had two children. They were 10 and 13 at the time.  Sarah completely understood why I left. Her little brother, not so much. We were living at my parent’s house. My brother was there, too. I say we. But, the kids wanted to stay in their home town. And, I had free room and board at the house in mine. So, I have dad weekends.

I eventually moved in with Jerry. I was trying to put it off. But, he had a three bedroom house all to himself. And, the kids each got a room.  I should back up just a bit. I also lost my job. Well, I was fired. They kept me longer than I would have. So in the meantime, around the time I moved, I started working for the Census Bureau and at Radio Shack. I couldn’t do both. And, I did not have an aggressive enough personality for the census job. I nearly had panic attacks.

Along the way, I garnered a great group of friends. I am still learning how to be a friend. I had them until I got married. Once married, I just wasn’t much of a friend to anyone. And, other people could sense I was losing myself.  Many of these people told me they were glad to have me back after the divorce. I had not realized how much I changed. I am glad to have them and all of my new friends, too.

January 6, 2011 Jerry finally proposed. I hope it was because he really wanted to marry me and not the death threats from friends if he didn’t. The kids had grown to adore Jerry. My son, too. Jerry’s mom and I hit it off well. She sobbed when we told her that we were getting married on what would have been her and Jerry’s father’s 40^th anniversary. My parent’s 41^st was the day after. It only seemed appropriate. Jerry’s dad passed away right before he turned 4. And, he shares a birthday with his dad.

The kid’s dad got married in February. We got married in June. I had picked up a second job working at a café that was opened form 11-2, Monday through Friday. Working both jobs was exhausting. But, it kept me busy.

 

The Whetsel Wedding took place on June 22. There were friends and family, pouring rain, a tornado, and electrical outage and a friend locking her keys in the car that was already loaded down with stuff from the wedding. But, we were happy and married. Our family was official. The kids were glad to be able to call Jerry their “real” step-dad. Both kids were about to start new schools. They were starting middle and high school. Things were going well. They were some rough spots we got through them as a family. I had quit the job at Radio Shack. I did not want to miss all of the time I would miss with the kids. It was one of the best things I had ever done in hindsight.  It was our last summer with Sarah.

Thursday night, Sarah and I were texting back and forth. Jerry was at work. (He worked ridiculous hours back then.) And, Sarah’s dad was in Albuquerque. His dad had heart surgery at the VA hospital and would be heading in the next morning. I was watching Vampire Diaries. She was at her step-brother’s first football game. She was so proud. She was fourteen. She had learned most of the rules of football. Well, at least enough to keep up with the game. She had picked a college team (UT) and a NFL team (The Ravens, they were the favorites of one of her favorite bands). We message the entire game. Her telling me about the game. Me telling her about the show. We were very excited because The Secret Circle was coming on next. I had convinced her to read both the Vampire Diaries and the Secret Circle a year or so before. (Before it was “cool.” I had the paperbacks from when they first came out during my college days.)And, TSC was premiering the first episode. I agreed not to tell her about it. I would wait until she saw it. They had the DVD player set. The watched Diaries but, waited on the other. It was already a late night and she had school the next day. She never got to see it.

 

We got a frantic phone call from her step-mom. She was sobbing, she mentioned CPR and the ambulance was there. I told her we were on the way. It was 6:15 or so. And, of course, we had to stop for gas before the half hour trip to the hospital. Jerry dropped me off that door so that I could go on in. The ambulance was at the door already for the next run. Everyone was standing around the room. Very solemn. Several people I knew as members and member’s spouses from the fire department were there. They had heard the page. They had seen my kids grow up. Their father was voted into the department a few days before Ty was born. One of them said, “This is the mother.” I sat down wide-eyed thinking what the hell?! That was when I noticed the doctor and nurse standing there and I hear the words you never want to hear. “We tried everything we can.” The rest of the day comes in bits and pieces. You know those primal screams of anguish that cavemen do in the movies? Imagine one of them on crack with PMS. I was screaming worse. I scared Ty so bad he ran out of the room. Their step mother did the same. My friends came out of the wood work and we were bathed in love and prayer.

 

We had joked about recording the funeral because it wouldn’t be “standard.” Sarah lived in a small town with a big city mind. We wanted it to be about her. So we played the songs SHE would want and a couple that we sang in the car. I am sure it was the first time My Chemical Romance was played during a funeral in a small West Texas town. She packed the local high school auditorium. There were at least 500 people there. The freshman class sat behind is. Each bringing her a rose. The last time I saw her face, she was surrounded by red roses. It was beautiful.

 

When it came time to head to the cemetery, I froze. I begged Jerry not to make me go. I didn’t want to get in the truck. He finally coaxed me in. I have always believed in the power of prayer. But, after that day, I can tell you I have FELT the power of prayer. We actually made it through the day without too many tears and there were a lot of smiles and laughter. We could feel the serenity and peace flow over us.

 

Since then, I have changed jobs twice, acquired more pets, got involved in local theater and questioned my sanity. We are learning how to help our son who has been diagnosed with ADHD. Even he asked for helped. And, when I say “our” son, I mean Ty’s Dad, Step-mom, Step-Dad and Me. He is a loved child. We get through one day at a time. But, the important thing is that we are still going. And, we are making him a priority and not letting him feel like grieving his sister is more important than loving him. I try not to focus on her lost. But, this blog is part of my grieving process. It comes up a lot. So, on a closing note, I am going to post the song by My Chemical Romance that we played at her funeral. The album version. We played a more orchestral one the band did for the recovery relief after the earthquakes and tsunami in Japan.

 

Sing it out

Boy, you've got to see what tomorrow brings

Sing it out Girl, you've got to be what tomorrow needs

for every time that

They want to count you out

Use your voice every single time

You open up your mouth
Sing it for the boys, sing it for the girls

Every time that you lose it, sing it for the world

Sing it from the heart, sing it 'til you're nuts

Sing it out for the ones that'll hate your guts
Sing it for the deaf, sing it for the blind

Sing about everyone that you left behind

Sing it for the world, sing it for the world
Sing it out

Boy, they're gonna sell what tomorrow means

Sing it out

Girl, before they kill what tomorrow brings
You've got to make a choice

If the music drowns you out

And raise your voice every single time

They try and shut your mouth
Sing it for the boys, sing it for the girls

Every time that you lose it, sing it for the world

Sing it from the heart, sing it 'til you're nuts

Sing it out for the ones that'll hate your guts
Sing it for the deaf, sing it for the blind

Sing about everyone that you left behind

Sing it for the world, sing it for the world
Cleaned up, corporation progress

Dying in the process

Children that can talk about it
Living on the railways

People moving sideways

 

Sell it 'til your last days

Buy yourself the motivation
Generation nothing

Nothing but a dead scene

Product of a white dream

I am not the singer that you wanted but a dancer
I refuse to answer

Talk about the past and rooting for the ones

Who want to get away

Keep running
Sing it for the boys, sing it for the girls

Every time that you lose it, sing it for the world

Sing it from the heart, sing it 'til you're nuts

Sing it out for the ones that'll hate your guts
Sing it for the deaf, sing it for the blind

Sing about everyone that you left behind

Sing it for the world, sing it for the world
We've got to see what tomorrow brings

Sing it for the world, sing it for the world

Yeah, you got to be what tomorrow needs

Sing it for the world, sing it for the world

Still a T1 Mom, Even Though She Isn't T1 Anymore

I very seldom post on diabetes. It was a thorn in my side for seven years and then took the life of my child. Diabetes can kiss my lily white ass. Right after we lost Sarah, and I mean immediately, as in within and hour and a half, I was flooded with friend requests on Facebook from T1 moms. If you don't know, T1 is an abbreviation for Type 1 Diabetes. For months, I looked at peoples posts in details about their kids sugars in detail. I had to start blocking them. I just couldn't take it anymore. I had a few close friends that I didn't mind hearing about their kids. They were family. It was different. Especially the Boldens and the Emerys.

Until Sarah's visitation, I had never laid eyes on Jennifer Bolden in person. We had communicated strictly through social networking. But, I had grown very close to her. She approached me on Facebook the day that her daughter was diagnosed with T1. When she walked in the room, I nearly tackled her. In hind site, I wish I had know she wasn't a "hugger." I am pretty sure she felt violated after our encounter.She is a new blogger. This is her blog http://bringinguptherare.blogspot.com/.

Amelia Emery was one my best friends from high school and throughout college. We were in each other's weddings. If she wasn't one of those super-mom's that can somehow manage to do nine million things at once. Sometimes I envy her. Then I realize that I can pretty well go to bed whenever I want to, I change my mind. We hardly get to see each other. But, we still love each other anyway. They have two children that are T1. When I was pregnant with Sarah, I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes. And, it is exceedingly rare to have 2 kids in one family that are diabetic. Also, the chances of two long time friends both having diabetic kids are low as well.

They were the ones I was worried about the most. The ones that I feared would spend even more of their nights sitting their watching by their children's bedsides to make sure they were still breathing. I have to admit that I still watch Ty and Jerry both when they sleep. Just to be sure.


But, I have digressed. My point in all of this is that we need to have our children screened for diabetes. There are more and more children that have been diagnosed too late.

http://www.cbs58.com/news/top-stories/Mother-speaks-out-about-her-toddlers-death-210151081.html

I am not going to go on here blaming the doctors for not doing their job of protecting our children. I am hear today to say trust your gut. When something is wrong with your child, you know. Get to the doctor. If you think that you might have an issue that isn't being addressed, speak up. Insist on getting it checked out. And, for the love of God and all that is holy, if your doctor says nothing is wrong, it's just a stomach bug, and you know it is more, talk to other moms! Find a T1 friend or family member. Have them check your child's sugar. Strips are about a dollar a piece. You will either get some piece of mind or you will know to get to the hospital immediately. None of this we'll see how the do tonight. GO NOW!!! You can get a cheap meter for around 20 to 25 dollars. I have 2 meters in my home. We are prepared. There have been far too many funerals for T1 kids. I get really tired of seeing blue candles on my Facebook feed. It is hard enough to have one burning in your own home.

So you know what caused up to take Sarah to the doctor when she got her diagnosis. I will quickly share our story. It was the week the kids came back to school from Christmas vacation. She had been getting up to go to bathroom in the middle of the night and not making it. She would get in front of the bathroom door and pee right there. I had called her father on Thursday about 2 to let see if he thought we should get her into the doctor. I had figured that she had a bladder or UT infection. We decided that we would take her the next morning if she had another incident.

That was until her teacher called about twenty minutes later. She had been very tired all week. That day she had fallen asleep in the hall. She was still standing up at the time. I called the doctor and they said get her there NOW. Our doctor was wonderful. He had the nurses call the phlebotomists to come draw blood. It ended up taking 2 nurses, her father and I to hold her down. The doctor did not come back into the room until he had made all of the necessary arrangements at the hospital and had a plan of attack. He was also very good at talking to us without scaring us too much. Her sugar was over 600. Our local endocrinologist (there was only one in town at the time) was out of town and wouldn't be back until Monday. So, we were setting up camp at the hospital in Anson until Dr. White would be back in Abilene. We spent an entire week in the hospital.

These are the things to look for...

And, if this isn't enough of a warning to you to keep an eye on your child's health. Let me share with you part of how I have I spent my last two weeks or so. I have been having flashbacks to that morning. Walking into the emergency room and sitting down only to look up and see a doctor and nurse standing there say, "We tried everything. There was nothing else could do." Then the screaming. I scared my son. I terrified him with gut wrenching, gutteral screams. He ran out of the room. I hadn't seen her. She was at her Dad's when she died. She was in a hospital gown. Cold and still. Blue lips. I wanted nothing more than for her to wake up and hug me and say it would all be ok.

All of the parents that have lost their kid want the same thing. And, some of them might have been saved with a simple finger prick. It can save a life.

A Thought on Fresh Grieving

 I will on occasion post suggestions about how to live with or near people that are grieving. For example, the best thing to bring to a funeral dinner or to a person's house that has just had a death in the family is going to be disposable storage containers and toilet paper. I speak from experience. Today's post is about posting on Facebook when a friends has lost someone very close to them. Like I said, this is based on my experience.

Do not post on their Facebook page or tag them in your post. Posting that they are in need of prayer and warm, peaceful thoughts is OK. And, it's encouraged. It is a wonderful feeling knowing that people are thinking of you. Just remember that their news feed is most likely full of stories about the death. But when your feed is full of posts about losing your loved one, it kinda sucks.

Send them a message. It is more personable. Plus, you can get an address where to send cards, flowers of food. Your Facebook page is a place to see how everyone else is doing. A kind of escape. NOT being reminded that you are missing a loved one. I know that I had to put my charger on my from anywhere from 6 to 10 times the day that I lost Sarah. I could only handle a couple of messages at a time. But, it was warming to feel the love flowing from my friends. Even the ones I never met in person.

Mental Lollygagging

So, today's blog consists of the thoughts that I had at work today. Some of you know that I work for a company that does debt and returned check collections. Yes, people do still write checks. I get to gander at a large variety of demographics. On occasion I will share little bits and pieces of my day. Obviously, I can't share everything I want to. But, here are some "moments" from today.

"I was wondering if you could detain my check until the 1st". -  What I was thinking, "No! We are going to let it run all willy-nilly about the office and leave whenever it wants."

"I'm calling on behalf of my check." - I know that some of the callers have accounts that seem to have a lives of their owns. But, I really don't think that a person can do anything "on behalf" of an inanimate object. 

And, I just love it when a person starts the phone conversation with, "I would like to call about my check." I have yet to respond with, "Well, looks like you accomplished that much already.

"Black Betty" is one of my favorite songs ever! We have the classic rock station as our hold music, and we can listen when not on our phones. I also love "Hush" by Deep Purple.

I think I shall share videos of the songs now. Just a second, I have to run to youtube.

I am rather proud of myself. I haven't done anything in HTML since Myspace.

It is hard to take a legal form set in Comic Sans seriously. Really, it is.

I had a payment come in today in the form of a personal check (which our letters specifically state we do not take.) with a note in the memo line that states "c$%ksuckers". I really want to send it back with a note that states, "If that's what we did, we would charge a lot more than $30."

It's that time of year, the lingering aroma of sweaty man. Eww.

If I let a just a little more paint chip off my nails, I will be able to say they were inspired by "Dexter."

I get tickled everytime I see a check that comes across my desk with a name of a fictional character.

Hahnium Hahnium Hahnium (HaHaHa)

A few nerd/geek themed memes that were just too good to share.

Can you get Zanax in a Pez dispenser?

     Seriously, I want to know. Back, oh about a year ago, I had a VERY rough day. I sat at home and sobbed. I mean tears gushing all day long type sob. I was exhausted. And, it was probably the lowest I have been. And, I didn't realize it. I was waitressing. It's not a great job to have when an emotional wreck. A kind friend and co-worker gently checked on me and showed her concern. I have not been back to that place until this last week.
     It has been a perfect storm of craptacular proportions. Between bizarre weather, cranky people on the phone and an onslaught of issues, all on top of PMS, I have been a complete and total sobbing wreck. Exhausted is not a strong enough word for how I have felt. I have had thoughts that I haven't had in years.
     And, I am amazed that somehow as soon as my period actually started today (Yes, I know you are probably thinking that is so much TMI.) it was just gone. The emotions. The exhausted is still here. I have never had a PMS like this. But, I can NOT go through 1/4th of each month feeling like that. So, I will be making sure that when I go get my physical, which I need to do soon, I will be addressing the issue the doctor. I do well in general. But, an "as needed" helper would be advantageous.And, in time, I will post about the "other" issues that have me so strung out. But, that will be in time.
     So, for now, I am going to close out so I can work on a sketch on a nerdy tattoo design. Next blog will likely be on my nerdiness and that I have found my place in the world with the nerd/geek culture. Until then, have a great day. May it be full of splendid bliss. And, if you can't have that, at least have a good, stiff drink.

Oh Sun, Why Must Though Dispise Me So

NOTE: This is one of those write a little hear. Write a little there. So, there is very little continuity blogs. As you were.

     So summer beings. My page is full of people that are ecstatic. Talk of pools, tanning and swimming. Not having to get up to get the kids to school in the mornings. Vacations. Lazy days. Now, don’t get me wrong. I love that for once I get to be a “real” mom. I get Ty for a week at a time. We actually get to develop a routine. He even gets to do chores. I have a hard time making him do many on the weekends since almost every bit of the messes are mine and Jerry’s.

     But, other than that, I loathe the summer. And, it is not just the hot weather. But, it is a huge part of it. I have never tolerated heat well. I get sick. Headache and vomiting sick. I can’t get comfortable. It’s hard to sleep. And, the more weight I put on the worse it is. I carry my weight like my grandmother did. It’s almost all between my hips and shoulders. It makes it hard to breathe. It also makes it hard to find clothes that don’t cut me in half and at the same time you don’t look like you are wearing a moo-moo. I know people that don’t’ have a problem with clothes that accentuate their weight. And, it is probably vanity. But, I dislike looking like I have no pride in my presence. Yes, I may look a little sloppy. But, I do realize other people are going to see me. And, I do not want people to think to themselves, “Wow, she just doesn’t care.”

     And, yeah, we are NOT going to mention swimming. It is heartbreaking. I know that there are people a lot larger than me. And, though go out in swimsuits all the time. Yay for them, I am not going to. I hate that Jerry even has to see the rolls. And, before anyone says you aren’t that big, I wear pretty darn good bras with a DD cup. A longish shirt hides a multitude of sins you can’t in spandex.

     Speaking of spandex… Another issue with my weight. I genuinely want to do cosplay. But, there aren’t many you can do modestly. And, not many that are flattering with a larger mid-section. Jerry wants to do cosplay, too. One day, when he gets an IT job away from the paper, we hope to get to do more. But, until then, I will be planning and sketching.

     Back to the summer. Last year summer break was also hard because it was our first one without Sarah. This year, she would have been driving. She would be out with her friends, so she wouldn’t be home as much. But, still, there is a big void. Maybe that is why I can’t seem to get the house picked up . The empty would be easier to see. Even with all of the animals

      All of these things have me in a headspin mentally. And, things at work have just been out of sorts. Not with my coworkers. The “debtors” as we call them in the computer program have been exceptionally cranky. We had big plans for this weekend. But, we are broke and exhausted. So, home it shall be. Well, maybe a work call. And, other stuff that keeps popping up.  And, to be honest, I miss being at home on a Saturday night.

     Well, I shall wrap this up here. I will be ok.  I have finally accepted that I need to be proactive about my weight gain. I just need to decide on an approach to take. And, I need to get in for a physical. And, maybe some Zanex. I don’t need “extra help” all of the time. But, some days I think I do. I hope the rest of you have a great start to your summer.