Only one... So far...

I had my first meltdown of the holiday. Sarah was born 2 weeks before Christmas. And, we had the honor of her being Baby Jesus in the Christmas pageant. You can ask most mothers who have delivered a baby near the holiday, and they will tell you that they feel a certain connection to Mary. And, every time I hear people talk about Christ as an infant I see Sarah in the manger. Ty was excited to get to follow after her sister in playing Jesus. So, I tried to not cry as the congregation sang "Away in a Manger." I almost always sing at the top of my lungs. But, I fought back tears most of the song. I couldn't even form the words with my mouth. Luckily, Jerry had come to help with the program. And, he followed me back to get Ty situated after the program. We managed to get around to the back out of site to cry. Jerry held me while I got it out of my system.


Song of Praise: The Magnificat


46 And Mary said,


“My soul magnifies the Lord,

47 and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior,

48 for he has looked on the humble estate of his servant.

For behold, from now on all generations will call me blessed;

49 for he who is mighty has done great things for me,

and holy is his name.

50 And his mercy is for those who fear him

from generation to generation.

51 He has shown strength with his arm;

he has scattered the proud in the thoughts of their hearts;

52 he has brought down the mighty from their thrones

and exalted those of humble estate;

53 he has filled the hungry with good things,

and the rich he has sent away empty.

54 He has helped his servant Israel,

in remembrance of his mercy,

55 as he spoke to our fathers,

to Abraham and to his offspring forever.”

16 Candles That Will Not Be Blown Out

     Tomorrow is a day that I have dreamed of for a very long time. I would take the day off from work. So, would Sarah's dad. And, we would take her to the DMV to get her driver's license. We would be planning a huge party. And, we would be buying car stuff for an old pick-up that I am sure she would have given a name to fit the personality of the truck.
     Instead, we will get up and go to work. We will try to keep from melting down completely. We will try to distract ourselves with things to keep us busy. My father will be coming home from the hospital, hopefully.
     I still remember vividly what I was doing sixteen years ago. Stephen and I were at Walmart picking up a few things for the hospital stay. And, trying to keep ourselves distracted then, too. But, we were nervous and anxious to meet our little girl. Little did we know that she would make such an impact soon so many lives. Or, that we would lose her so soon.

I still had a month left to go.

I think she was a day old in this one.

     So, tomorrow, I will not be OK. I will be mourning the absence of a celebration. I will also be mourning the loss of Baby Sebastian. He is the 6 month old son of a young man that is very dear to us. He was in a car accident involving a semi and he didn't make it. Please keep his family in your prayers. And, the friends he and I have in common. We understand that it is hard for them, too. And, it feels like you are stealing some of the happiness from their families. There is more guilt from things like that for me than anything else. But, your prayers help shield off some of the pain and anxiety. Well, I am going to try to go distract myself again. Good night. And, hold your children close.

Eeeekk!!!

Sarah wanted a tattoo of an anchor when she turned 18. She had been thinking about it for months.

Since she couldn't get one, I did. Yes, it is very large. I love it.

The detail work is stunning. If you want a tattoo done in Abilene, go see Richard at Sacred Art.

Gathering Tulle

This is a really quick post on a method for gathering tulle. I didn't do a pretty job. But, it should get the point across.

You will need tulle, pins, floss or very narrow ribbon  and thread, one color that matches the tulle and one that doesn't.

Pin your layers together.

 Set your stitch length at it's longest, width at it's widest and on zigzag.

Thread the machine with the thread that doesn't match. It is a lot easier to take out later, that way. Decide where you want to gather at. Place the floss or ribbon in the middle of your foot. Now, zig zag stitcch over the floss/ribbon.

 Now, you have a "casing." You can gather the along the floss.

 When you get the gathers like you want, rethread the machine in your matching thread and top stitch over the gathers!!!

Sigh... Time for change...

     This has been a long week. I got a new job. I start on Monday as a receptionist. It looks to be the least stressful job I have every had. And, the benefits are awesome. I hate leaving the people I work with, and a lot of the customers. But, this is a change I need. Well, we need. I had a call for another interview for another job this week, too. It's nice to feel wanted. And, I get to dress for work.This should help with my self-esteem. 

     There is a long list of things to pray for. My father will be going in for surgery, soon. They are going to be removing a significant portion of his colon. We went in for a colonoscopy on Wednesday. He has a couple of polyps that are precancerous. They are in the very early stages, so they are very optimistic. But, it is still my Daddy getting cut on. Yeah, I'm a little worried. Not terrified. Just worried. Please keep him in his prayers. They told him to be prepared to be off work for 8 weeks. And, they are scheduling surgery as soon as possible. But, at least he will have his first Black Friday off in well over 10 years.

     Also, there are some prayers that need to remain unspoken for privacy issues. On a high note, I get a new tattoo tomorrow!!! Well, I am outta here!! Good night all.

Prayer List or Gossip List

     I have been included in 2 prayer groups on Facebook. And, with all of the drama in the world, my feed is slammed with prayer requests. I was contemplating maybe posting a prayer list on the fridge next to the grocery list. I was struck by a thought. In our world of who you know and what you know, do we use our prayer lists as a device of gossip? Or, do we use it as a gift to truly lift our friends, loved one, strangers and the hardest of all, our enemies in prayer? Can we say we genuinely want the best for them. Or, do we want to be able to say "I prayed for you." Or, " You should see MY prayer list." I am not saying that the groups are bad. They are a great tool as long as they are being used to raise people in prayer, and not as a way to gossip.
     I am not saying that we should not share our prayer lists. But, just remember, the devil is in the details. He doesn't want our prayer to be heartfelt and sincere. We need to pray with purpose. Pouring our heart out for him. He will listen. He is often there, whether we like it or not. That is the hard part. You know, it is often easier to tell a friend about and indiscretion than God. God already knows.
     And, take a moment to look up scripture on prayer. Take note of the amount of reference to praise in comparison to scripture about asking for intervention. So, perhaps, when making our prayer lists, we should make two columns. One column for Praises, one for Needs. And, make sure that you have two praises for every request. It really is not hard to do. This idea reminds me about the Valentine gift I made for Jerry this year. Take a deck of playing cards and write one thing you love about your husband/wife on each card. It can be something as broad as that "you keep the house clean" (Jerry would not have that one. But, I am working on it.) to something as small as "the way your hair curls behind your ear."
     And, one last note, and this is going to tick some people off. We need to pray for the future of our country. That does not mean simply praying that your candidate wins. Yes, you should pray that if it genuinely lies on your heart. But, we need to pray for all of the candidates. Yes, all of them. ONE of them will be our president. It may not be your choice. And, there are other elections. And, we should be praying for the families of the candidates. Could you imagine what they go through hearing people bad mouthing their loved ones? We are supposed to loves our enemies. That means praying for them.
     I know I have friends who don't believe in God. And, don't believe in prayer. I do, strongly. I always have. But, after sitting at my daughter's funeral with a smile on my face because I could feel us being bathed in prayer, yeah, I am more of a believer than ever.
     OK. I am getting off of my soap box now.

James 5:13-14 Is anyone among you suffering? Let him pray. Is anyone cheerful? Let him sing praise. Is anyone among you sick? Let him call for the elders of the church, and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord.

Beginning to Function...

     I am beginning to function again. I am starting to come out of a year long fog. Yes, I have had all right to have been in it to start with. But, it is getting damp and muggy. I need out. And, I am making bigger steps every day. Well, I should say that the fog is lifting. The problem is the mess you have created in the fog. I am trying to work my way through. Jerry is helping where he can. But, he understands I need to do some of this on my own. I am making strives to better myself.
    I have signed up as an Avon representative. Partly because we need some extra income. And, partly because I need to be busier. Etsy has picked up a little. Which is good. I am getting a memorial tattoo for Sarah. And, I will use that money to pay for it. She was planning her anchor tattoo. If figure that since she can't get one, I will. It will be a little something like this.

     I mentioned on a Facebook post today that I was VERY excited about getting to watch the season premiere of Vampire Diaries. I also mentioned that I had my own reason for wanting to watch. When I was a freshman at McMurry, I discovered a series of books by a relatively new author named L.J. Smith. When Sarah discovered Twilight, after my reading it, I suggested that she would enjoy the books. She was in 6th grade, I believe. She devoured them. Then, she read The Secret Circle, also by L.J. Smith. She followed that with some of my other favorite books. My very favorites being Blood and Chocolate and  The Silver Kiss by Annette Curtis Krause. 

     The night before she died, Sarah was at a football game and I was at home watching Vampire Diaries. While discussing the episode on the phone after the game, Sarah had commented that if the series had gone ANYTHING like the book, Elena would have been a vampire a long time ago. We agreed wholeheartedly on that. Well, it finally happened. Somehow, I just had to see it. The episode that she wanted to see. The one where Elena became a vampire. I was sitting on the couch alone watching the episode. I cried part of the time, because she wasn't with me. But, I cheered on the characters. It is something very trivial. But, sometimes, those trivial little moments mean a lot. 

I do believe some reading about something with fangs is in order.