The Rest of the World Moves On...

Well, hadn't blogged in a bit. So here goes.

Tomorrow is Halloween. I went out in a minimal costume Friday night. I had a good time. And, I am dressing up for work. Same outfit. But, that is it. I am coming home. We are going to turn the lights off outside. I can not even imagine going outside tomorrow night. Ty is going to ask his dad to take him trick or treating. I am afraid that I will just spend the whole night crying. I do NOT want to ruin the Halloween for him. Next year, we will make up for it.

One of my best friends has been overseas since June defending our country. He is married to one of my other best friends. I feel terrible. I have been of absolutely no use to help. I can not wait for him to get home. And, I am so happy about it. But, I am so worried about being a downer, that I have not been a good friend. Everyone understands. But, I still feel terrible. Luckily one of my other best friends is helping out with their kids and such. I am so glad.

Well, I guess that is all for now. I really need to go get some housework done. But, I don't imagine it will happen. I am so exhausted lately, I am not getting anything done. Surely it will get easier in time.

When You Learn From a Preschool Lesson

Today just sucked for a while. I had a bad morning...That's all there was too it. Lot's of reasons. Sarah was not there. She and I would vent to each other about the soccer games. And, we would visit. Her absence nearly brought me to my knees today. And, the game was ugly. I did not handle myself well at all. Then, we stopped in Anson for Mesquite Daze. Ty had a lot of stuff going on that he wanted to do. I could not do all of it. And, he was having the same day I was. He was mad and exhausted. I do not think it was really just mad at me. It was bad enough, that I offered to let him stay with his dad if he wanted. He refused to talk to me the entire way back to Abilene.

We got home and he crashed in his bed. Hard. When he finally got up an hour and a half later, he thought he had slept all the way through the night. But, he woke up the sweet boy he usually is. We even spent a little while lying on his bed just talking for a bit. He even snuggled with me. My heart felt much better.

Then, while working on my Sunday school lesson for my preschoolers, I was reminded that we are often sent on a mission without realizing it. God sends us somewhere, like on a treasure hunt. One clue that leads to another clue, that leads to another. The scripture reference, Acts 8:26-40, is the story of the Ethiopian and Philip. God only gave him short directions. Go here. Stand here. Philip knew what to do from there. God often puts people in our paths, or us in theirs for reasons we might not see for a while.

I have two best friends that if you had asked me a year ago if they would get along,  I probably would have told you not likely. They are both in situations with their immediate family where they are all but disowned for actually standing up for themselves and doing what is best for them and their children. well, in the time since we lost Sarah, they both lost their grandmothers. This makes me happy. God put us in each others lives for a reason. : )

Well, I better get to bed. This has been a very long day. Hope you all have a beautiful Sunday.

The Joys of Autumn

October has always been my favorite month. I am an autumn girl. It was the month I shared with Sarah. We lived for Halloween. We would start our costume ideas the next month. We loved the decorations and celebrations. The first blow to our Halloween festivities was her diagnosis. Halloween sucks when you have diabetes. There always people who are considerate enough to make sure you have stuff in your bag that you don't have to give to your parents are siblings. But, I think that the being singled out like that wore thin on Sarah. She was searching for a place where she didn't stand out so much. Not that she wanted to fit in, exactly. But, if she was going to stand out, she wanted it to be by her choice, not because of a medical condition.

We loved that we got to break out our boots. ( She wore hers in the heat of Summer, too.) She could wear her toboggans without any grief from her father. (She wore them in summer, too.) Time to break out coats. The leaves would change. This year, it doesn't look the trees will not be as pretty as normal. I am actually glad. I will not have the glorious image of driving down 277 with the flaming hues of fall draped down either side attached with the memory of losing her.

She wouldn't be playing soccer this year. She was too old to be playing in Anson. But, after Ty's game Saturday, I miss her critique of the players and the referees.

And, I normally love to bake pies. But, apple was her favorite. I can't look at an apple pie, or meringue without thinking of her.

I did get a sweet reminder of why I love this month...children in fuzzy-zippered-jammies!!!!  The sweetest 4 year old girl was riding in her mother's cart just as proud as could be. Ty is too old for them. He used to love them. There is a pair hanging in his closet at his dad's. I asked if they still fit. He assured me he was too old for them, even if they did fit. (I informed Jerry that I didn't want to see him in zipper jammies. It would be too weird, even for me.)

Well, the Scream Awards are coming on Spike. So, I am going to watch to my nerdy heart's content. Goodnight all!

One Month

It has been one month today. I am torn between feeling like an eternity and just yesterday. In a lot of ways, I think I am coming out of this a better person. I can see her smiling at me. Telling me to get off my butt and do what needs to get done. (Apparently when you child's memory is talking to you, they   this is part of the reason that I want to have children with him. He missed out on a lot of father and child moments as a child. The idea of him missing out on the father aspect also, well, it breaks my heart.

On another note, I may have lost my mind. I have accepted a job at Radio shack as merchandiser. I am looking forward to it. I don't have to deal with sales. The part I am dreading is that it is 30-40 hours a week. But, I figure busy will be good. And, we need the money. I am still going to work at the restaurant and the sewing/crafting. oh! And, I am also paid for keeping the nursery at church on Sunday mornings. That makes 4 jobs. Oh joy...

I have more ornaments to make. So, off I go. Until next time.

Updates & Confessions

1. I still haven't hyperventilated.
2. I still haven't thrown up on anyone.
3. I still haven't stabbed anyone. But, there are a couple of hours left in the day.
4. I am eating. But, I am still constantly nauseous.
5. I finally had Sarah come visit me in a dream last night.
6. I was jealous of the people who had dreamed about her.
7. We got the autopsy results. 10 or so doctors looked at them. There is nothing definitive. They agreed that it was most likely a seizure due to low sugars. She had a problem with her thyroid. But, we would not have had a way to know yet.
8. I feel bad because I sleep more than I should. It isn't as easy to stay asleep as it used to be, though.
9. I am going to have to do something about a second job. The hard part is that we only have one car.
10. I dream about having babies and small children in the house. I wanted them before. Now, well...you can imagine. And, Jerry would make the most awesome dad. I feel bad that he has missed out on so many moments everyone should get to enjoy as a parent.
11. We are so broke it isn't funny.
12. I wish I could just stay home and do crafts and sewing for a living.
14. The hardest thing to do lately is to get up off the couch. Shut down mode sucks.
15. If I ever win the lottery, I want a tummy tuck and a boob lift. Well, both boobs lifted. And, I would give a significant amount to my ex. Jerry and I agreed on that. I am glad that I can truly called him my friend. And, in time, Jerry will be able to, also.
16. I am pretty well bypassing Halloween. Sarah and I enjoyed it more than any other day of the year. We had been planning our costumes since November last year.
17. Jerry has a lovely rear end. : )
18. I am paranoid about having bronchitis and not knowing it.
19. I actually have a list of things that freak me out on my phone. Well, I have the list on my phone.
20. I can't seem to shed tears. It makes me feel guilty. I still do everything else. But, the tears just don't come.

Meh

It's been a few days since I blogged. So, I figured I would check in. I have Ty this weekend. We had a nice date, with both my guys. It's kind of akward. We all can sense Sarah's absence. It literally defines deafening silence. It has been far harder. Yesterday was three weeks. That is the longest amount of time we have been without her.

Well, guess that's all. Gonna read some more Questionable Content and go to bed early. Motivation is gone for a while.

"How Are You Doing?"

I am stunned at the sheer number of times I hear, "How are you?" How on earth did I not notice it before. Cashiers at stores, people at work, people I have not seen in a while... So, I have decided to start giving honest or random answers. Such as,  " I am feeling rather gassy today.' " I have only wanted to knife one person today." "I was doing pretty good until you reminded me that I had a reason NOT to be OK. Thanks! Buh-bye."

The last couple of days have been harder. Honestly, part of it is due to the fact that I started my period and feel like crap. (Reminds me of the Wonder Woman movie when the Amazons do not know what the word means.) I decided that I needed to go to the mall to get out of the house for a while. Jerry was working late. And, I had friends that I had not seen who could not make the funeral. One of which had a mean professor that would not let him takes his test early so he could make it to the funeral. He might give away answers to the other 2 students.

Well, in my trip, I learned that I am still not ready to go to Hot Topic or the Halloween Store. When we went to visit our Comic Book store, we had a nice discussion with the owner, Larry. He stated that after his father passed away, it was the random moments that really got to him. We had gone to HEB the night before. There are a lot of things that are made difficult by diabetes. Grocery shopping is one of them. I feel guilt at knowing that we do not have to worry about it, anymore. I had gone to get a jug of tea. I suddenly became keanly aware that I did not have to worry about getting the kind with Splenda. There was the start to the first breakdown in HEB.

Well, I could go on. But, I have 2 baskets of clothes to put up. And, Serenity is on TV.  So, until later, have a goodnight. And, come up with some creative greetings, people. For example, "Seen any sexy men washing cars lately?" "Felt the urge to belt anyone lately?"

Grieving On Our Own

This will be a short one tonight. I just want to share a moment. There have been a lot of deaths in the last few weeks. And, all of us have our own ways of grieving. And, none of us grieve the same. Some of us grieve privately. We need time alone to process out thoughts and emotions. Time to, get it out of our systems. Some of us are going to just burst out and let our emotions flow free.

However, when we have children, our grieving has a direct effect on them. Ty, for example, informed me that he is very worried about me. And, he does not want to see me cry. I think part of this stems from him being in the room when they told me Sarah was dead. Shara and I both reacted in almost identical manners. You can imagine, screaming and crying. I feel bad for the others in the room. I am also afraid it was scarring to the boys. But, I am also honest with Ty about my emotions. I don't want him to think that I don't care. I told him I am going to cry. And, I am going to cry often. And, sometimes it will be loud and in public. But, I will try not to in front of him.

I have a friend who has a houseful of kids. She is grieving a family member herself. Her situation is far different. As  much as she loves the person, she had not had good relationship with them in a long time. Her kids are making it hard to grieve. They are worried about her. And, won't leave her alone long enough to process. I have offered my services as a buffer. And, she finally got some time to herself.

One other thing, please be careful about asking people about how they are grieving. I have had people ask me if night time is worse. And, I must be having trouble sleeping. They are assuming that I am reacting in a typical way. Guess what, I am not. I am sleeping pretty darn well. I am not sleeping in. But, Still getting 8 hours a night. I have held up well. I only break down about once a day. I am not a complete wreck. And, I feel guilty about it on my own. I feel like I should be more upset, or mad. But, I am just not. And, when people assume that I am, it adds to the guilt.

Don't get me wrong. The thought that she isn't her anymore is constantly just under the surface all of the time. First thought in the morning, last thought at night. I am very agitated as it is. So, if I say something short, don't be surprised. The reality is starting to settle in.