Tuesday, March 12, 2013

It's Been 3 Years Worth of Change

Three years ago, I had just been fired from my job. My divorce was freshly finalized. I had a son that I just knew hated me. He was warming up to Jerry. But, he still had issues with me. I was torn between the grief of all of what I had put my family through and the freedom and joy I had found with my new start. I was, and still am, head over heels in love with Mr. Whetsel. There is a kind of trust and peace between the two of us that I am still stunned by. And, with his work schedule at the time and me not having a job, we were able to time together like teenagers do. I still think that is part of why we got off to such a warm start.

I was paranoid. I was introverted for the most part. The idea that someone would want to spend time with me was just odd. I saw myself as dowdy and a nervous nelly. I was plain and boring. What Jerry saw in me was beyond my grasp. I still do not understand. But, he made it very clear how he felt. And, I have never doubted it. I had faith in him. I felt as though I was unworthy of anything or anyone. I felt like a nuisance. My opinions did not matter or what I wanted. The sheer weight of my own dislike of myself was suffocating. Luckily, my family was there supporting me, along with Jerry. He actually stayed at my parents’ house with me most of the time.

I eventually got my feet under me a little. I eventually got a job with the census bureau. It forced me to get out and about and talk to people in person. Eventually, I also got a job at Radio Shack. I moved in with Jerry. In this time, I also made some very dear friends. I also got one of those things called a social life! I also got engaged to Jerry. If he hadn’t proposed, I am pretty sure some of those dear friends were going to have some strong words with him. Life was pretty good. We set a date and off we went. The kids’ dad got married a month after we got engaged. The kids were ecstatic. They were looking forward to having “bonus parents.”

In this time, I started to see a little of what Jerry saw. It is a lot easier to see the best in yourself when you are happy. I had become more relaxed and tossed some ideas around about things like getting a tattoo with Jerry. Shortly after, I got to meet his friend Richard. He had worked with him at the paper and was an artist as well. He had also become a tattoo artist in town. Come to find out he had done work on several of my friends. I am glad I can call him my friend now. I started a second job at Hickory Street Café as a waitress. We were making wedding plans and things were going great. I was still not where I wanted to be as a person. I was still insecure and did not understand why people wanted me around. The big day came and I became Mrs. Whetsel. I even got my first tattoo as a wedding gift from Richard. Good times were had by all.

I decided that working both jobs was too much for me. I was not going to be able to spend any time during the summer with the kids. And, I was miserable at Radio Shack. So, I went to working just at the restaurant. We had a good summer. I got to spend a lot of time with the kids. And, Sarah’s friend Paige even came down for a week or two.

Then, we lost Sarah. All of the progress I had made as a person went down the drain. But, I didn’t fall back into the “dark place” as I call it. I just shut down. Not completely. I was just worn down. The emotional whiplash was exhausting. When I finally started coming back, I realized I had left a wake of devastation behind me. Mostly my house and with Ty. I had always felt like Ty was his father’s son. He adores his father, like any boy should. And, I didn’t want to upset what makes him happy. But, he and I have opened up our line of communication. And, things are much better. I fear the house may never get where I want it. But, we are working on it.

I ask Jerry every once in a while if he sees a change in me, for the better. He without hesitation, he looks over and says, “Yeah” with a crooked smile. That smile kills me. Sigh… Oh, yeah. Sorry, my husband distracts me. It is nice to wake up every morning and feeling genuinely blessed that you get to see your loved one’s face. I was picking on him about being a bad influence. I was wearing a My Chemical Romance t-shirt I sleep in at the time. I told him, “I’m pierced and tattooed in a rock ’n roll t-shirt. And, it’s your entire fault.” I sauntered out of the room giggling. He just sat on the couch and laughed. I had joked with him in one of our first conversations about me getting a tattoo that he would be more than OK with me ending up looking like a Suicide Girl. And, on that note that I should point out, that I am now friends with my tattoo guy’s girlfriend. And, I am very glad of it. She is this cool, warm, terribly charming woman that has the same insecurities as me. And, she is an awesome hair dresser that is going to dye my hair purple. If piercing my nose and dying my hair purple is the extent of my mid-life crisis, we’re good.

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