Sunday, December 23, 2012

Only one... So far...

I had my first meltdown of the holiday. Sarah was born 2 weeks before Christmas. And, we had the honor of her being Baby Jesus in the Christmas pageant. You can ask most mothers who have delivered a baby near the holiday, and they will tell you that they feel a certain connection to Mary. And, every time I hear people talk about Christ as an infant I see Sarah in the manger. Ty was excited to get to follow after her sister in playing Jesus. So, I tried to not cry as the congregation sang "Away in a Manger." I almost always sing at the top of my lungs. But, I fought back tears most of the song. I couldn't even form the words with my mouth. Luckily, Jerry had come to help with the program. And, he followed me back to get Ty situated after the program. We managed to get around to the back out of site to cry. Jerry held me while I got it out of my system.

Song of Praise: The Magnificat

46 And Mary said,

“My soul magnifies the Lord,

47 and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior,

48 for he has looked on the humble estate of his servant.

For behold, from now on all generations will call me blessed;

49 for he who is mighty has done great things for me,

and holy is his name.

50 And his mercy is for those who fear him

from generation to generation.

51 He has shown strength with his arm;

he has scattered the proud in the thoughts of their hearts;

52 he has brought down the mighty from their thrones

and exalted those of humble estate;

53 he has filled the hungry with good things,

and the rich he has sent away empty.

54 He has helped his servant Israel,

in remembrance of his mercy,

55 as he spoke to our fathers,

to Abraham and to his offspring forever.”

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

16 Candles That Will Not Be Blown Out

     Tomorrow is a day that I have dreamed of for a very long time. I would take the day off from work. So, would Sarah's dad. And, we would take her to the DMV to get her driver's license. We would be planning a huge party. And, we would be buying car stuff for an old pick-up that I am sure she would have given a name to fit the personality of the truck.
     Instead, we will get up and go to work. We will try to keep from melting down completely. We will try to distract ourselves with things to keep us busy. My father will be coming home from the hospital, hopefully.
     I still remember vividly what I was doing sixteen years ago. Stephen and I were at Walmart picking up a few things for the hospital stay. And, trying to keep ourselves distracted then, too. But, we were nervous and anxious to meet our little girl. Little did we know that she would make such an impact soon so many lives. Or, that we would lose her so soon.
I still had a month left to go.

I think she was a day old in this one.

     So, tomorrow, I will not be OK. I will be mourning the absence of a celebration. I will also be mourning the loss of Baby Sebastian. He is the 6 month old son of a young man that is very dear to us. He was in a car accident involving a semi and he didn't make it. Please keep his family in your prayers. And, the friends he and I have in common. We understand that it is hard for them, too. And, it feels like you are stealing some of the happiness from their families. There is more guilt from things like that for me than anything else. But, your prayers help shield off some of the pain and anxiety. Well, I am going to try to go distract myself again. Good night. And, hold your children close.