This will be a short one tonight. I just want to share a moment. There have been a lot of deaths in the last few weeks. And, all of us have our own ways of grieving. And, none of us grieve the same. Some of us grieve privately. We need time alone to process out thoughts and emotions. Time to, get it out of our systems. Some of us are going to just burst out and let our emotions flow free.
However, when we have children, our grieving has a direct effect on them. Ty, for example, informed me that he is very worried about me. And, he does not want to see me cry. I think part of this stems from him being in the room when they told me Sarah was dead. Shara and I both reacted in almost identical manners. You can imagine, screaming and crying. I feel bad for the others in the room. I am also afraid it was scarring to the boys. But, I am also honest with Ty about my emotions. I don't want him to think that I don't care. I told him I am going to cry. And, I am going to cry often. And, sometimes it will be loud and in public. But, I will try not to in front of him.
I have a friend who has a houseful of kids. She is grieving a family member herself. Her situation is far different. As much as she loves the person, she had not had good relationship with them in a long time. Her kids are making it hard to grieve. They are worried about her. And, won't leave her alone long enough to process. I have offered my services as a buffer. And, she finally got some time to herself.
One other thing, please be careful about asking people about how they are grieving. I have had people ask me if night time is worse. And, I must be having trouble sleeping. They are assuming that I am reacting in a typical way. Guess what, I am not. I am sleeping pretty darn well. I am not sleeping in. But, Still getting 8 hours a night. I have held up well. I only break down about once a day. I am not a complete wreck. And, I feel guilty about it on my own. I feel like I should be more upset, or mad. But, I am just not. And, when people assume that I am, it adds to the guilt.
Don't get me wrong. The thought that she isn't her anymore is constantly just under the surface all of the time. First thought in the morning, last thought at night. I am very agitated as it is. So, if I say something short, don't be surprised. The reality is starting to settle in.
I am a woman trying to find her place in this world. I have an awesome son. And, I am married to someone who is as perfect for me as someone can be. We are still mourning the loss of my daughter. We are working through it. We are still trying to find happiness in the grief. It is there. I want to help others find it with us.
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