Well...the flowers have begun to die...

Be prepared for some random babbling.

Some of the cut flowers from the funeral have started to die. Maybe it is because it makes this all seem so much more real. But, it is agonizing. I have pulled all of the cut flowers from the large arrangements to fix smaller ones. Ones that don't look like they belong in a church or a funeral home.Or, maybe it was just something to do with my hands. I am not sure which.

I want to start writing a book about funerals. Customs, guidelines and such. For example, it is impolite to walk up to a man and say, "So, now there are two black men in Anson." Yes, someone actually said that to a friend of mine at the viewing. Also, when attending a viewing, do not bathe in cologne, make-up, or hairspray. DO take a bath. Usually you are in a small room that will be packed with people. And, it will get hot in there. And, the family will have a lot of people to hug. The smells and aromas, even from makeup, will eventually get to the people receiving all of the hugs. Oh! And, please do not chain smoke.

On the subject of food, keep in mind that most of the food at the house during the first week, especially when it is a spouse or child who has passed, will be eaten by guests. Consider bringing food the next week. And, easy on the fried chicken. Also, the most helpful thing people brought were new, disposable storage containers. That, and toilet paper. (OK, so the coconut rum and turtles were my favorites.)

And, thank you again to Dawn for the book. Tear Soup did wonders for me.

If you see me, and an ambulance approaches, be ready to catch me. I have heart palipitations anytime I see one now. And, go straight back to the emergency room. The flashbacks are coming more often. And, I am not doing well with them.

My newer friends probably aren't aware of my household situation. I have a son as well. The kids' primary residence is their father's house. They wanted to go school in Anson. When I divorced the kids, and to this day, I can't afford to live their. So, they stay at their dads. Sarah and I were closer than she and her father. Ty is closer to Stephen. It's normal. My husband, Jerry, doesn't have children of his own. So, I am having to face the fact that until and if we ever get the money, adoption will be my only option for more children. It is highly possible that I will not have a child living in my home on a regular basis. I was already having issues with the fact that my tubes are tied. I wanted to add children. Not, have one taken away. Also, Sarah was the only girl on either side of her family.

There are a lot of good things Sarah will miss out on. But, there are so many other things that she will not have to deal with. Neither will we. That is a blog for another day. But, knowing that I will not be lying awake at night worried about what could happen while she is in bed living on her own. it brings me a very small bit of peace.

Well, there is far more that I want to say. But, my eyes are tired. And, my heart. So, I think I shall take some nyquil and find my pillow. Or, at least curl up on the couch. Who knows, I might even put actual pajamas on. And, not sleep in the clothes I wore all day.