A Thought on Fresh Grieving

 I will on occasion post suggestions about how to live with or near people that are grieving. For example, the best thing to bring to a funeral dinner or to a person's house that has just had a death in the family is going to be disposable storage containers and toilet paper. I speak from experience. Today's post is about posting on Facebook when a friends has lost someone very close to them. Like I said, this is based on my experience.

Do not post on their Facebook page or tag them in your post. Posting that they are in need of prayer and warm, peaceful thoughts is OK. And, it's encouraged. It is a wonderful feeling knowing that people are thinking of you. Just remember that their news feed is most likely full of stories about the death. But when your feed is full of posts about losing your loved one, it kinda sucks.

Send them a message. It is more personable. Plus, you can get an address where to send cards, flowers of food. Your Facebook page is a place to see how everyone else is doing. A kind of escape. NOT being reminded that you are missing a loved one. I know that I had to put my charger on my from anywhere from 6 to 10 times the day that I lost Sarah. I could only handle a couple of messages at a time. But, it was warming to feel the love flowing from my friends. Even the ones I never met in person.

Mental Lollygagging

So, today's blog consists of the thoughts that I had at work today. Some of you know that I work for a company that does debt and returned check collections. Yes, people do still write checks. I get to gander at a large variety of demographics. On occasion I will share little bits and pieces of my day. Obviously, I can't share everything I want to. But, here are some "moments" from today.

"I was wondering if you could detain my check until the 1st". -  What I was thinking, "No! We are going to let it run all willy-nilly about the office and leave whenever it wants."

"I'm calling on behalf of my check." - I know that some of the callers have accounts that seem to have a lives of their owns. But, I really don't think that a person can do anything "on behalf" of an inanimate object. 

And, I just love it when a person starts the phone conversation with, "I would like to call about my check." I have yet to respond with, "Well, looks like you accomplished that much already.

"Black Betty" is one of my favorite songs ever! We have the classic rock station as our hold music, and we can listen when not on our phones. I also love "Hush" by Deep Purple.

I think I shall share videos of the songs now. Just a second, I have to run to youtube.

I am rather proud of myself. I haven't done anything in HTML since Myspace.

It is hard to take a legal form set in Comic Sans seriously. Really, it is.

I had a payment come in today in the form of a personal check (which our letters specifically state we do not take.) with a note in the memo line that states "c$%ksuckers". I really want to send it back with a note that states, "If that's what we did, we would charge a lot more than $30."

It's that time of year, the lingering aroma of sweaty man. Eww.

If I let a just a little more paint chip off my nails, I will be able to say they were inspired by "Dexter."

I get tickled everytime I see a check that comes across my desk with a name of a fictional character.

Hahnium Hahnium Hahnium (HaHaHa)

A few nerd/geek themed memes that were just too good to share.

Can you get Zanax in a Pez dispenser?

     Seriously, I want to know. Back, oh about a year ago, I had a VERY rough day. I sat at home and sobbed. I mean tears gushing all day long type sob. I was exhausted. And, it was probably the lowest I have been. And, I didn't realize it. I was waitressing. It's not a great job to have when an emotional wreck. A kind friend and co-worker gently checked on me and showed her concern. I have not been back to that place until this last week.
     It has been a perfect storm of craptacular proportions. Between bizarre weather, cranky people on the phone and an onslaught of issues, all on top of PMS, I have been a complete and total sobbing wreck. Exhausted is not a strong enough word for how I have felt. I have had thoughts that I haven't had in years.
     And, I am amazed that somehow as soon as my period actually started today (Yes, I know you are probably thinking that is so much TMI.) it was just gone. The emotions. The exhausted is still here. I have never had a PMS like this. But, I can NOT go through 1/4th of each month feeling like that. So, I will be making sure that when I go get my physical, which I need to do soon, I will be addressing the issue the doctor. I do well in general. But, an "as needed" helper would be advantageous.And, in time, I will post about the "other" issues that have me so strung out. But, that will be in time.
     So, for now, I am going to close out so I can work on a sketch on a nerdy tattoo design. Next blog will likely be on my nerdiness and that I have found my place in the world with the nerd/geek culture. Until then, have a great day. May it be full of splendid bliss. And, if you can't have that, at least have a good, stiff drink.

Oh Sun, Why Must Though Dispise Me So

NOTE: This is one of those write a little hear. Write a little there. So, there is very little continuity blogs. As you were.

     So summer beings. My page is full of people that are ecstatic. Talk of pools, tanning and swimming. Not having to get up to get the kids to school in the mornings. Vacations. Lazy days. Now, don’t get me wrong. I love that for once I get to be a “real” mom. I get Ty for a week at a time. We actually get to develop a routine. He even gets to do chores. I have a hard time making him do many on the weekends since almost every bit of the messes are mine and Jerry’s.

     But, other than that, I loathe the summer. And, it is not just the hot weather. But, it is a huge part of it. I have never tolerated heat well. I get sick. Headache and vomiting sick. I can’t get comfortable. It’s hard to sleep. And, the more weight I put on the worse it is. I carry my weight like my grandmother did. It’s almost all between my hips and shoulders. It makes it hard to breathe. It also makes it hard to find clothes that don’t cut me in half and at the same time you don’t look like you are wearing a moo-moo. I know people that don’t’ have a problem with clothes that accentuate their weight. And, it is probably vanity. But, I dislike looking like I have no pride in my presence. Yes, I may look a little sloppy. But, I do realize other people are going to see me. And, I do not want people to think to themselves, “Wow, she just doesn’t care.”

     And, yeah, we are NOT going to mention swimming. It is heartbreaking. I know that there are people a lot larger than me. And, though go out in swimsuits all the time. Yay for them, I am not going to. I hate that Jerry even has to see the rolls. And, before anyone says you aren’t that big, I wear pretty darn good bras with a DD cup. A longish shirt hides a multitude of sins you can’t in spandex.

     Speaking of spandex… Another issue with my weight. I genuinely want to do cosplay. But, there aren’t many you can do modestly. And, not many that are flattering with a larger mid-section. Jerry wants to do cosplay, too. One day, when he gets an IT job away from the paper, we hope to get to do more. But, until then, I will be planning and sketching.

     Back to the summer. Last year summer break was also hard because it was our first one without Sarah. This year, she would have been driving. She would be out with her friends, so she wouldn’t be home as much. But, still, there is a big void. Maybe that is why I can’t seem to get the house picked up . The empty would be easier to see. Even with all of the animals

      All of these things have me in a headspin mentally. And, things at work have just been out of sorts. Not with my coworkers. The “debtors” as we call them in the computer program have been exceptionally cranky. We had big plans for this weekend. But, we are broke and exhausted. So, home it shall be. Well, maybe a work call. And, other stuff that keeps popping up.  And, to be honest, I miss being at home on a Saturday night.

     Well, I shall wrap this up here. I will be ok.  I have finally accepted that I need to be proactive about my weight gain. I just need to decide on an approach to take. And, I need to get in for a physical. And, maybe some Zanex. I don’t need “extra help” all of the time. But, some days I think I do. I hope the rest of you have a great start to your summer.

We All Say Goodbye

 I haven't told everyone the story about Sarah's casket. Seeing as how we were all very emotional, I may not get it just right. But, when we stepped into the room to pick out a casket we were a little overwhelmed. It is the last decision we made. He showed us the cheaper caskets, knowing we didn't want to spend a ton of money. We were looking at the next to the cheapest. Then Ty looked at the least expensive one and popped off, "It looks like duct tape!" We had just had a conversation about how She loved duct tape and sharpies. The funeral home owner took off and ran back in with a sharpie. Sure enough, it would stay on the casket. So, we decided that it might help her friends and family say good bye if they could leave her a message. My mother knew that We would not be able to read all of the signatures. So, she took pictures of many of them for us to read later. I have just got to the point where I could read them this week.

The Duct Tape bow is still there.

I considered sharing these on Facebook. But, decided that this was a much better venue.

Emotional Chin-Ups

     I posted a list on my Facebook page of things to do to “Keep Your Shit Together” when you are clinically depressed. The person who wrote the list commented that their level of happy is just set way lower than most peoples. The “regulars.” I know that everyone has times when they are depressed. And, there are people that pop anti-anxiety/anti-depression pills like candy because it is the fashionable thing to do. But, there are some of us that have genuine issues.

     Here is a metaphor.  Remember in elementary school, the PE teacher would have everyone see how many chin ups they could do? There were the kids that could spring up to the bar like they had angelic wings that sprung forth from their unfairly athletic backs and could do them until the cows came home, or the teacher said stop. Those are the people that are ALWAYS genuinely blissful. For them, happiness comes very easily. However, they have trouble being empathetic at times. The idea of being upset about something or something “getting to you” is beyond their grasp. They look at the rest of us at times like we are just in denial.

     Then, there are the kids who can get up to the bar pretty easy. But, have to work on getting more than 5 or 6 chin ups. Those are the more “regular” people. They acknowledge that we should be happy. And, they really are. But, at times, like yesterday with the bombing in Boston, they are able to grieve and find frustration. But, when it comes to taking care of themselves and their loved ones, they function well.

Well, there are some of us that the kids dragging over a five gallon bucket, wrapping our legs around the pole, climbing with all of our might to get to where we are hanging by our knees. We just never get up the right way no matter how hard we try. That is me. Both in and out of the metaphor.  Some days, I can shimmy up that bar. But, there are some days, that the bucket tips over and I end up with my rear end stuck in it.

     As I get older, I am finding that I tend to run a bit manic depressive. My poor husband. He never knows what he will awake up to or go to be with. Shoot, there are some nights that I run the gambit between getting between the covers and falling asleep.  That being said, my bar of happiness is a lot lower than it was. And, it was low to start with. Don’t get me wrong. I am happy. I have so many things to be happy about. Between a loving husband, a dear son, and job that I actually don’t stress over and my faith in God, I am good. But, if any of these are in question, I am down. If I worry that I said something to Ty or Jerry that upset them, or if I over analyze something they did or didn’t say too long, I am crushed. Luckily, I work pretty much by myself. It is nice to not have to smile all the time. It gets exhausting. I can sit at my desk and cry. Or, step outside. I also work with people that knew Sarah. I hadn’t worked here in a couple of years when we lost Sarah. But, they were all at the visitation and almost all at the funeral. It helps a lot being with people that loved and knew her.

     Next blog will be far more uplifting.

     Find your bliss.