I am a woman trying to find her place in this world. I have an awesome son. And, I am married to someone who is as perfect for me as someone can be. We are still mourning the loss of my daughter. We are working through it. We are still trying to find happiness in the grief. It is there. I want to help others find it with us.
Since Mr. J was under
the weather Easter morning, we did not attend a worship service. Well, not in
person. We did get to watch an amazing service on the television. It was a
Catholic service out of Buffalo (We assume New York.) Jerry was raised Catholic
and has been told he has family in Buffalo, NY. So we thought that was pretty
cool. I wish we could go there sometime. They have a very eclectic
congregation, speaking several languages. The building itself had the perfect
amount of adornment without looking as though all of the money was spent on it.
It was nice to be able to ask Jerry questions right then. I am terrible about
remembering what to ask later.
The sermon portion of
the service was my favorite. He spoke about the priorities of Easter Sunday. He
pointed out that we, as people, seem to place more and more importance on the
things we spend money on for the holiday than why we are celebrating it to
start with. The clothes, the candy, the meal… it’s great as long as we keep the
memory of Christ’s resurrection first and foremost. The last thing he said was,
“And, enjoy those chocolate bunnies.” with a smile on his face.
This sparked a conversation
between Jerry and I. I was telling him that I don’t remember if someone told me
this as a child, or if it is something I pondered on my own, but for me, Easter
is not just a celebration of Christ coming back. It is a fresh start. This is
where we get to start the year, again. To me, the Easter outfit isn’t just for the
one day. I always saw it as a traditionally adding a worship worthy garment to
refresh the wardrobe. It is a way of doing the best we can to put on our best
when we go to praise and worship.
We, well I, have
decided that we shall follow what many others do and plant the gardens on the
Saturday of Easter weekend each year. This year, I spent the time planting
singing hymns and focusing on God’s blessings while putting out plants. That
includes the sprinkles that were falling on my back as I was hurrying to put
out flower seeds and sweeping the sidewalks.
So, this being a
spring-board for the rest of our year physically, emotionally, mentally and physically,
it is a great time for us to look at the direction we are going in. So, much
prayer will be taking place. And, just so you know, I pray for all of you. I
pray that God will pour his peace and love on everyone that I interact with,
both in person and through more modern methods, on a regular basis. That being
said, may God be with you and heap his blessings on you and yours this spring.
At 6:42 this morning, I found myself backing out of my driveway so that I
could attend Muffins with Moms at my son’s school. His school is 25 miles or so
away from where I live now. I used to live in that town. But, when I left his
father, I moved back home. Well, I went to go spend the time before school with
my son, baked goods and juice. It was really nice.
He started pointing out mothers to me, telling who their children are. Then
he says, “If you want to know who anyone is, just ask me.” I informed him I was
fine. But, thank you for offering. He goes to a very small school. But, there
were a lot of the moms I did not know. There were however teachers and moms
that I have known for years. But, it was still a reminder how much things have
changed. And, some things have come back around full circle.
I made the same drive at the same time of day that I made for nearly 7
years, this morning. Back before I left my husband. Back before I moved to
Abilene. Back before I lost a child. Back before I lost myself.
I am finally starting to pull myself together. And, I don’t mean
emotionally. The knee-jerk reaction when getting the divorce was to turn away
from anything in my part of my life. Anything to do with the country and
farming. I didn’t listen to any country music for months, except
for when my so would beg.
It sounds like I had never had any experience with anything country or
western except while married. But, that is not true. I was raised in a fairly
eclectic family. My grandfather was a rodeo cowboy and a farm hand. My
grandmother grew up picking cotton. And, my other grandparents had chickens and
gardens. They farmed, too. I remember going back my grandmother’s family home
and meeting the turkeys. It wasn’t pretty. They raised them to sell. They
opened the doors to a huge barn full of them. They were eye high to me.
Traumatized is not a strong enough word.
Well, anyway, back on track. Back around Christmas, Mr. J (aka my Hubs)
bought a pair of cowboy boots. He had been wanting a new pair for a good while
and found some her really liked. And, since he is very particular about the
style he likes, I told him, “Sure, go ahead.” But, on the inside, I was very
uncomfortable. The last time I had shopped for men’s boots was with my
ex-husband. And, I try really hard not to compare them. But, it happens. Both
good and bad. And, even though I dated many men that wore boots, it was still
somehow tied to my first message and awkward. But, I was NOT going to tell him
Another thing from when I was married originally was that we raised
chickens. I taught first grade one year. It was in the small town where my son
still lives. Every year the extension agent would work with the first classes
and they incubate and hatch chicks. It was a lot of fun. Except for the last
few chicks that just did not make it. Luckily, we found them before the
students came in that morning. But, I digress. My children also participated in
the activity as first graders. Somewhere along the way, my ex decided that we
should get chickens. I gained so much enjoyment from them. I loved gathering
eggs and tending to them. Even though I grumbled about it.
Well, recently, friends had mentioned they wanted chickens. And, after some
checking, I could have them in town. As long as they aren’t too noisy, I would
be good. (Our neighborhood sounds like a zoo as it is. And, it isn’t just our
house.) So, 2 batches of chicks and 4 ducklings later, I have come to realize
that I really am a bit of a country girl. I even want goats, again and a
donkey. Those will require moving, in time.
I have started to separate out what parts of me were trying to be a good
wife and what parts were me being genuinely happy. I will take a while. But, I
finally feel like I am starting to feel like I am getting my feet underneath
me. And, part of reassembling those pieces of me I left scattered everywhere
has been finding which pieces are truly mine. And, surprisingly, for me, some
of those pieces are from the country.
And, I can finally admit how good those boots look on Mr. J.
There is a reason that I don’t enjoy April Fool’s
Day. It is the same reason that I do not enjoy much stand-up comedy. I do not
enjoy people being made fun of. And, when it comes down to it that is what it
amounts to. April Fool’s jokes end up making people feel unintelligent. Most
stand-up comedians have acts that revolve around of poking fun at themselves or
someone else. There is a fine line between mockery and imitation. I am not
saying that I do not on occasion do it myself. But, I always feel guilty when I
And, as a friend posted this morning, we try to
instill honesty in our children. Well, except for this one day. Today it’s ok
to lie your pants off. As an adult, we understand what is intended to be a joke
and what is not. Kids do not, always. We need to set better examples.
And, there is a meme going around about not
telling people that you are pregnant when you aren’t. Yes, people take things
too seriously and personally at times. But, as a woman who is having a really
hard time with the fact that she can’t and shouldn’t have a baby, just stop it.
It’s not a subject to joke about. Also, it is terribly unoriginal. If you are
going to pull a prank today, at least be original.
I hate to feel stupid. Ridicule cuts me to the bone and I know I am not the only one that feels that way. So, I will take a pass on this holiday, thank you very much.